I looked at Stephanie with disbelief and shock. Looking down at my swollen hands resting atop my pregnant belly, I fiddled with my ring and thought to myself; "When will my family not have to suffer the consequences of my past mistakes." I'm not even the same person anymore. Stephanie sold us our life insurance policies and helped us prepare for the "just in case" events. After going through the physicals, blood work, urine tests, and signing permission for the insurance company to see our medical records, I learned that for me, it was a waste of time. As a matter of fact, no insurance company would take me. I was too high risk. I read the letter she gave me from the company confirming what she tried to delicately break to me. It was due to my suicide attempts and mental health diagnosis from more than four years ago. 'Great, I cant even get good car insurance and now this!', I said. Stephanie laughed at me and her comment put everything into perspective. "Too bad there's no form for being spiritually healed." She was right, I had gone off all my medications for depression, mania, bi-polar disorder, and insomnia when I learned I was pregnant with Elijah, nearly three years ago and hadn't had a relapse or symptom since.
However, even after going to see my family doctor and having him confirm that I was no longer harming myself, nor was I suffering from depression, PTSD, suicidal, or bi-polar; no insurance company would touch me. Instead, they sent another letter stating that if my condition remains unchanged for the next 5 years, only then would they consider allowing me to get a policy.
At first I was angry and upset because I was SO tired of the being labeled a risk. I couldn't even drive anywhere in the state of Nebraska and get pulled over without being reminded of it. Oh yes, your driving record can also label you a hazard. I'm a priority 4 and even though I haven't been ticketed in over 5 years, it's a sight to see when I get pulled over. There are Priorities one through eight. Priority one is for minor traffic offenses, like running a stop sign and priority eight is reserved for the S.W.A.T. team...I generally get surrounded by 3 squad cars while the main squad car runs my plates with a gun pointed at my vehicle. How's that for spicing up your day?
It wasn't until a friend of mine reminded that the only perspective that mattered was who I am in Christ and his labels for me. It reminded me of a recent God Encounter when I literally heard God's voice for the first time calling me by the name He alone had given me, "Cover of Beauty."
The more I thought about it, vented about it to everyone that would listen, and eventually prayed about it, I realized that even though I live in this world, I'm not of this world. He reminded me that I was a new creation, created in his image. He reminded me that I'm the daughter of a king, destined to enter into His Kingdom. What matters most now is how I chose to present myself. Either I can take on the worlds labels and bear the shame of my mistakes or I can accept the gift of grace that was offered to me at the cross. Somehow, accepting the grace that results from my King dying for me is so much a lighter burden to bear than the labels the world tries to put on me. So I rest!