Sunday, September 25, 2011
What I Didn't Expect
Week one is over post D and C, let me tell you, it hasn't been pretty. There were so many unexpected blunders this week that I'm so glad I wasn't able to venture out into the real world anyway. No one prepared me for the fact that my breasts would lactate, I would cry for no apparent reason, or that I'm stuck with an extra ten pounds. Having a muffin top is one thing, but wearing maternity clothes post miscarriage is just another slap in the face reminding me of what I lost.
Lost ...now there is an excellent word for this week. I was completely unprepared with how to deal with my loss, so when my husband commented for the millionth time how anal I was being about how the dog was chained up, I completely lost it. I beat him with my pillow while bawling that he didn't understand what I was going through. I took my pity party downstairs for the night, only to wake up the next morning to text my nurse friend Cindy about being permanently sedated.
As disappointed as I was that she couldn't sedate me, I received so much encouragement from her and many women who have faced the loss of a baby. It touched my heart to receive so many emails of encouragement from mothers who have faced loss in various forms, failed adoptions, failed attempts in trying to conceive, still births, SIDS, and multiple miscarriages. The common thread of their encouragement was through God's hands, time would heal my heart.
So many women have walked through the valley of the shadow of death in terms of losing a child. No two women will ever grieve the same nor totally understand the hurt the other is feeling. Because we have faced a loss, we know what walking through that valley is like. While I didn't expect many of the issues I faced this week, there are others who have walked this road before me. Their words of encouragement and prayers are the strength I need to face time, to know that I am okay, and to put a smile on my face for my other kids.