Monday, February 6, 2012

Keeping The Marriage Bed Red Hot In Motherhood

     So allow me to really transparent, but before I go ANY further, I'd like to say to my parents and in-laws..."DON'T READ ANY FURTHER, trust me!" 
I feel like this at least twice a week!
     Moms these days are so frazzled and worn out, by the time their dear hubby's come home and hint about heating up the bedroom, the she merely rolls her eyes and directs him to his man cave. Yet, some of us are longing for that passion and romance.  With that said, I've gotten quite a few emails about how Chris and I seem to have it all together. We still act like honeymooners even though we have kids.
This is what real romance is, a commitment to love one another in the midst of toys, stretchmarks, and kids.

     In today's world, our minds ingrained with what we think is romance. What is portrayed on TV, movies, sitcoms and romance novels has NOTHING to do with real romance. That's right mama's. Throw the ideas of your husband looking like Fabio and riding off into the sunset with you carried in his thick brawny arms. It doesn't happen even in the lives of couples who don't have children. In this stage of life, a.k.a. mothering, our worlds revolve our children but we are longing for the romance. So here's a few tips from a mother of three (high strung, high energy, hot tempered kids) and how I keep the romance alive on my marriage.

Turn That Crock Pot On--Early
     My husband and I attended a marriage conference several years ago and I loved how women were described as crock pots. Try not to be insulted but it's the truth. Men are like bottle rockets and can go from 0-60 in a matter of seconds for a steamy night in the bedroom. Women on the other hand are like crock pots, it takes hours for us to simmer up to a romantic night in the bedroom. 
     Crock pots have all the ingredients inside, a dash of this, a bit of spice from that. All we do is put the lid on, crank the on bottom and we know by the end of the day, we have a wonderful meal in store. Marriage and sex is pretty much the same. As we simmer, we think of how wonderful our mate is.
     Being a crock pot means your husband needs to start early in the morning or even the night before turning you on to the idea of bedroom bliss. This is something you can do for yourself too. If you know that tonight is going to be the night, think of all the romantic things your husband has done over the years, text him and tell him you cant wait to see him that night. 

     That's right girls, we have to talk about it. Some of us don't have the drive, desire or willingness to turn from Mother Teresa to Hot Mama in the bedroom and that's okay. TALK to your husband about it. You may be drained from rearing your little ones all day. But it shouldn't stop you from being with your husband. 
     Talk to him about what makes your heart flutter and remind him to act on it. When I was visiting my friend Angela, her husband had left her post-it notes for her to find and read. My husband sends me text messages that reminding me of how much he loves me. Maybe, you like holding hands, having him make supper, bring flowers. What ever it is, tell your husband! For women, its the little things that get us simmering and in the mood.
     Sex isn't just an act, it's a relationship and one that our husbands need. I've known some women who had absolutely no desire for intimacy, so much so, they've given their husbands excuses like: 'sex isn't allowed during pregnancy, It's too close for that time of the month, I've got a headache and cramps.'
Listen up ladies, men need it! They need that physical intimacy with us, it's their connection to knowing that you accept them and you love them. When we give them our time and attention, they in turn feel confident in their relationship with us.
Picture of proof to remind myself that date night will come around again. 
Honey Mooning at Home
    Many of us are living on one income. That means every penny counts, but doesn't have to stop date night. We use several options and try to get alone every week, that's right, every week. Here's my list:
  • Make Mac N Cheese for your little ones and put them to bed early.
  • Create a meal for the two of you, complete with candle light.
  • Ask your in-laws to watch your kids and go back home for date night.
  • Log on to Ruby Tuesday's for their Buy One Get One Free meal deals.
  • Child Swap with another couple. You watch their kids one night and then they watch yours.
     Once a month, my husband cooks an amazing gourmet dinner, puts the kids to bed early, draws me a bath and creates an romantic oasis in our bedroom (sounds exotic, he makes sure its clean and free of kid debris, and puts a scarf over the lamp to create softer lighting). 
He gets annoyed that I have to document every date night with a picture. Can you tell? :-)

 Your Mind Counts
     As women, we have a million things running through our minds at once. "Is the laundry dried, I need to run to target before my coupon expires, Elijah's room is a mess, I have to get three chapters edited, plan for a MOPS event, and prep for parent teacher conferences this week."
So when my husband gives me the look, I want to be prepared. Daily and especially on date night, I pray. I ask God to give me the desire to want to be with my husband, especially when my mind is full of to-do's and mommy matters. I'd much rather want to be with my husband than have the mind set, "Get in and get out already!" that so many women do. 

     Tell me, how do you keep the marriage bed hot? I'd love to hear your thoughts and even more questions of how to get creative, especially when you have kids!


  1. Wow, great post, its so hard with kids to keep the romance alive. So I try to tell my husband through my words and actions how much I respect and love him. Sometimes a big chocolate cake and putting the kids to be early helps. Brendi

  2. Love it, Heather! I so want to have date night once a week. But really how is that ever realistic with young kids?! Unless you have a lot to shell out for money for a baby sitter. And I don't want to take advantage of family. More realistic is putting kids to bed early but that would not happen in our house, either. Ugghh!

  3. I caution the once a week, its important to try and get alone at least once a week, whether you lock your bedroom door and ignore the fingers wedging under it! With wee ones, yes it can be hard and is a challenge, do what works for you and your husband!


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