“I am moving. You may not see me but I am conquering in the spirit. I'm still right here where I always was. You – Heather must return to me for me to heal you. My heart is breaking for you as you go through this but there is so much glory, honor, and victory once you arrive on the other side”. I had come to the Women's Retreat filling empty and in wonder of what God was trying to teach me in His absence. What I was about to learn was that I wasn't alone. Instead it was a moment in time, and of course, another life lesson.
There are moments in life that a mother must relent and let her child learn on her own. Much like a mother tells us over and over “No, don't touch the stove, it's hot”, sometimes she instinctively knows it's time to stand back and wait. After her child winces in pain, she's there to scoop her up in an instant to kiss the wound, knowing her child has gained wisdom that was produced from the pain. She now knows her child won't need to be warned anymore, but how it breaks our hearts sometimes to allow pain to come to our precious charges! Much in the same way God feels when He is watching us, I'm just sure of it.
It was this particular moment as I was sitting alone in my seat at the Women's Retreat, that I knew God was ready to scoop me back up into His arms. My heart had been aching for so long from loneliness and insecurity that I stopped hearing His voice. Unknowingly, I had begun to look for something more tangible to fill it. God relented, knowing it was my turn to find out how hot that stove really was. Life at home had gotten so busy! Overnight I had become a single mom four days a week. When my husband was home, he was prepping for a test, doing home repairs, or spending some much needed quality time with his children. Our relationship was already strained from unresolved issues and the lack of time with him further distanced us from each other. Soon lonely took on a whole new definition! Talk about lack of attention. Attention for me is like oxygen. This social butterfly needs to know that she is captivating, desirable, interesting, in the least. My girlfriends I'm sure are chuckling as they read this knowing I can't stand to not be center of attention for a moment! However so was the enemy. Right about the time that I felt my loneliest was when a friend resurfaced from my old life – prechristian days that is! Talk about perfect timing right? But it felt so good to have someone else to talk to for a change. I felt so good having that attention.
Soon, however that old friend wanted more than what I wanted to give and I stopped all communication with this friend. My self esteem crumbled. Even though I had clearly made the right choice I was now more alone than ever. There was a void in my heart that I could not fill no matter how I tried! Close friends, good friends, old friends, husband, children, or busy schedule and yes, even food...it was still there. So there I was sitting in my chair wondering where my Father God was and wondering why I felt so empty. Amidst the music, whispers of prayers, and rustling of tissue and papers, His voice came with no abandon. The words came suddenly rushing into my mind and heart as Rachel Scott crooned the lyrics to the music while all the women around me were in the midst of centering themselves on today's message.
“I'll take these chains, this bondage, and ransom for you. Abandon your heart, your desires, and let me come to you. I am moving. You may not see me but I am conquering in the spirit. I'm still right here where I always was. You – Heather must return to me for me to heal you. My heart is breaking for you as you go through this but there is so much glory, honor, and victory once you arrive on the other side”.
I was in complete awe of how His words were romancing my heart. That void in my heart was gone, it was full of Him. I continued to sit, humbled by His presence and His words towards me.
“I will by your Ish (husband), I will give you the intimacy you crave, the romance you long for. For I created you and only the Master can make you complete. I gave you the longing for attention because I want to fulfill it. I want to love you more than any man can here on this earth. I know the depths of your heart, the longing in your soul, and the need to be completely loved. Only I can fill that. Only I can love and cherish you in a way that is inexhaustible. I want to pursue your heart, to prize it above all others. Your heart is a treasure only fit for a King. All others will forsake you, yes even the man I that placed by your side will not love you as much as I. Just remember that I created you. I alone am completely captivated by the depth of your beauty, every heartbeat, every thought, and every breath you take. Even the scars you bear. I love you so deeply and know you so intimately that there is no end of me and no beginning of you. Even when you wander, I will be here waiting, ready to embrace you.
We have no comprehension on how God works, just as children don't understand why we as mothers are always telling them “no” to protect them. That life lesson was a moment in time when I was granted the privilege in understanding His love and gaining wisdom in how I was created, and why there seemed to be something missing in my heart.