Wednesday, March 31, 2010

What's Been on My Heart

So it's been awhile since I've posted anything. I don't know if any other mom has noticed but it seems that the older my babies get the more I'm needed. There are even days when I'm running in circles trying to get everyone to their activity, cross errands off my list, and more. Then there are the days that I'm at home and every time I so much as blink someone needs me, or there's a fight to break up, or a little one needs lots of cuddling. Writing and reflecting on what God wants me too has been at the bottom of my priority list and I wish I had more time. There's been a few other things besides my kiddos that has had my full attention. Why might you ask? Well let's flashback about 10 years...

 I was a teen mom. While most of you know that, there are many out there who are surprised by that statement. I remember finding out that I was pregnant on February 11, 1999. I kept staring at the stick as if it was an out of body experience and I'd wake up from this nightmare any minute. My doctor told me two years prior that "It is likely that you'll never conceive on your own." After all, my job was to graduate high school and I had less than 3 months left. The last thing I wanted to think about was all the reproductive problems I was having...However after my out of body experience became a reality, I made the choice to have my baby even after my nurse pressured me into having an abortion."It's just a bunch of cells and tissue", as stated by my nurse. I knew deep down that a life was a life, no matter the circumstances. Tissue or not, it was transforming and changing by the millisecond to function as a human being and the thought of 'terminating it' horrified me.
So I chose life. Nothing prepared me for it. I fought constantly with my mom. I lost of a lot of friends. I was ostracized at school and became "that pregnant girl". Within five months I moved out of my mom's home, graduated high school, got married, and had a baby girl! During this new and overwhelming experience as a new mother, I found that I was constantly learning more about myself, about life, and about not being accepted as well. The unacceptance I felt as a teen has always been a tender spot in my heart. For the longest time I never understood why these feelings never faded. Little did I know that God was going to use it for His Glory...more about that in a minute.

 As a teen mom, I can remember feeling stupid, lower in status than the older moms I encountered when I was checking out at a local grocery store. The clerks would chat with the other mothers and coo over their babies while I was often given looks of "shame on you" if I was looked at, at all. I also felt sad for my baby girl because she wouldn't get the compliments of "That's a beautiful baby you have there". To say something like that would be like condoning that I had sex and that it's okay to be a mere child having a baby. To protect myself, I built a wall around my heart and began to prove just how good of a mother I was. I ALWAYS made sure Cheyenne's clothes were clean, no stains, her hair was tidy, and my diaper bad was packed for any emergency. I took her to every doctor’s appointment scheduled and inhaled all the information out there about raising a child. I even studied every little thing Cheyenne did... so much so, that I could have told anyone blindfolded what Cheyenne's diaper consisted of without even seeing it. I loved her fiercely.

Though I never understood why I was ostracized for choosing life, I did understand that no matter what age a mother becomes, love has no boundaries. Like every mother, I wanted the best for my baby girl. I understood sacrifice and worked hard to gain every opportunity I could for her. While she wasn't adored by all to saw her, my heart had no capacity or bottom in how much I loved her. I often wondered if how I felt in certain moments if that was how Mary felt. She wasn’t any older than 15 when she was favored and chosen by God to carry His Son. While her circumstances were holy and unique, no one else saw or understood what God's plan was. I’m sure she faced the same cold stares I did, if not more because of the culture and time in which she lived. I'm sure she hugged her belly and thought the same thoughts I did.

Why am I talking about all this? Because I'm getting ready to encounter and support many girls who are not even graduated from high school yet and are mothers or preparing to be a mother. It is my prayer that though these girls may have made a poor choice to have sex, we as women will be there to support them as mothers. We will support them in choosing life. We will be there to help them in their goal to be a good mother. We will be there to show them the way. It's been nearly 11 years since I found out I was going to be a teen mom, while my experience firsthand was bittersweet, I pray that the girls' lives that I encounter will be filled with wondrous moments of motherhood. Teen Mops is about to be launched in Kearney Nebraska. We have an oppertunity firsthand to be used by God to demonstarte love, compassion, mercy. We can give support, offer resources, and tell these girls that we know what its like to be a mom and they are not alone. We have the oppertunity to touch the next generation for God.

1 comment:

  1. Reading that gave me goosebumps! I chose the former and have scars that run deep. You chose life and endured the outright jabs and snares from the public, while I felt the unheard condemnation from my broken and lost soul. In either case, God has used this pain and 'rejection' to bring about His plan for His glory. You are right about impacting the next generation!! Can't wait to see all that God has in store for the Kearney community and His goodness shown through all you brave teen moms! You and many others are an inspiration! God bless!


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