For the last year my prayer has been that God would search and know my heart, that He would reveal to me what needs change. I felt that something was holding me back from all that He desired for me and it seemed to be hindering my walk. I guess He felt that it was finally time to deal with alot of my issues and insecurities. In less than a month I lost several friends, my cousin and brother moved away, was being put through tests and diets for my heart, I was also tempted to revert back to my old habits, and was being stalked by a not so friendly person. All these things combined tore at the seems of my idenity, my sanity, and my marriage. But it was allowed so I can make a choice, either give in to my fleshly desires and worldly things or allow me to see the uglyiness of it all and change.
Changing seems to be the hardest part. Its so hard to pick myself back up after my life has been shaken. The security I once had in my relationship with God is now stripped bear. All this time, I heard these words, "Why are you striving these days,
Why are you trying to earn grace,
Why are you crying,
Let me lift up your face, just dont turn away."
Why are you looking for Love
Why are you still searching as if Im not enough
To where will you go child
Tell me where will you run
And Ill be your side
Wherever you fall
In the dead of night
Where ever you call
Please dont fight
These hands that are holding you
My hands are holding you
(Tenth Avenue North)
All this time I never truly accepted that I was forgiven of my past. I was striving in so many ways, trying to earn grace for all that I am, all that Ive done. I never let go of who I was before I gave my life away. And finally I grew weary and tired in the fight, I nearly gave up. We all of course know how God works though, if he has a point, he's going to make it. In less than 24 hours I heard, saw, and read the scripture of Isaiah 40:31 "Those who hope in the LORD will renew thier strength, they will soar on wings like eagles, they will run and not grow weary, they will walk and not be faint." All of my trying and striving wasnt enough, it will never be enough and when I ran out of hope, He showed me that unless I rest alone in Him, I cannot go on. Hope is the stuff of the unseen, it allows the Him to come in on a breeze and whisper His glory and strength into my soul so that I can rest and soar in the wind when this world says that Im not enough and that my past defines who I am. Though Im wondering where to go from here, and though I wonder if life will ever be the same, God has come in and whispered His words of truth. Its this truth and this hope that keeps me soaring.