While this last couple of months have been silent on-screen and on-paper, it's not because I don't have much to talk about. Believe me, being a woman I do. I recently went through another growth spurt, you know the kind where it's painful and makes you yell, "What in the tarnation are you doing? Is this REALLY stinkin' necessary?" God had pretty much rearranged my elements, He took me out of what was comfortable for me and revealed blind spots that not only were really painful but it made me squirm. Naturally we all want to better ourselves, but at what cost?
After what seemed like God had stripped me of family and friends, He also showed me that even though my friends had big mouths (Yes you do! You know who you are and what I'm talking about), but I too had a big mouth. Especially when I needed reassurance and approval from others. After hearing rumors of so and so talking about me, I would get worried that perhaps maybe that's what everyone thought about me (Thank you dear mother for this lovely habit) and discuss my issue with others instead of that person in particular. Mainly because after going to the original person, as a woman, I sensed they were not being honest. AND I would later hear it from a mutual friend, believe me the enemy was having a hay day with my insecurities. After going through a PAINFUL meeting and revelation, I literally drove around our town at 11:00 at night yelling and screaming at God at the top of my lungs (Yes, I'm partial to lunatic characteristics, we've established this years ago). I was mad that He didn't come to my defense, I was hurt because of my perfectionnistic nature. I was troubled and defenseless because He took me completely out of my element and what I saw before me was humbling. When God is about to do something major in the matter of refining you, he will take you out of your element and re-arrange a few bricks. He will in essence, take out the weak ones and show you what to pour into the foundation to strenghten it. For me, I was running to everyone else for re-assurance instead of running to Jesus and asking, "Well what do you think? Am I okay?" What was further revealed that feelings of inferiority are a form of pride, go figure. I was constantly comparing myself, my values, my status, my character, and my shoes to other chicks. So God had enough of this and decided it was high time to take this baby Christian one step further and reveal this weak foundation. Consider reading Mark 7:31-36 about the dude who was blind. Metaphorically speaking I was blind to this area of pride and Jesus took me out of my element, via friends, family, and revealed the problem, it was up to me to embrace it and begin the process of building a stronger foundation and allowing Jesus to aid in this process or continue on in another flaw carried down through the generations of Shaw's (believe me, we Shaw's are lunatics and many generational strongholds and issues to work through).
The next time you feel like you've been thrown to your knees, instead of asking why this is happening, look to see what He is trying to change in you. Though the process was painful, I'd much rather be refined than be hindered in a blind spot.