Do You Pray With Your Man?

    "When two of you get together on anything at all on earth and make a prayer of it, my Father in heaven goes into action. And when two or three of you are together because of me, you can be sure that I'll be there." Matthew 18:19-20 MSG.

     "Chris, we really need to pray."

     "Right now? Its almost midnight. What do you want to pray about?"

     I rolled turned towards him while rolling my eyes, "The kids and for us."

     Silence and then an exasperated sigh, "FINE," he said before he started praying. (Note: My husband would be happier to pray first thing in the morning or right before bed, instead of feeling me toss and turn until I ask him in the middle of the night).

     I’ve heard it said over the course of my short Christian life, 'A couple that prays together, stays together.' Kind of like the best friends in the "Cletus, Take The Reel" parody by Tim Hawkins...Don't know what I'm talking about, watch the video below. HILARIOUS! 

    But praying is so hard especially as a couple. It is one thing to share your thoughts and feelings, but it is a whole new ball game to open up in prayer. Praying is just as intimate as anything else in the bedroom, it lays bare our souls and reveals our vulnerabilities. But when I do pray with my husband it creates a stronger bond between us. It invites God into our lives and into our marriage, uniting us on the spiritual front.

     Do you pray with your husband, do you ask him to pray for you before you start your day? For me, it's still a new practice, sometimes I feel embarrassed going to my husband and saying, "I'm feeling a little crabby this morning and I have so much to get done. Can you pray that I'm not short tempered with the kids?" 
     It's easy to think, "If I could just control myself and have a better mind set, then I can handle the day just fine." But when I bring my shortcomings to my husband, who then takes it before God; it humbles me and invites both my husband and God into my day. On the days when I do take my requests to my husband, it creates peace out of the chaos. The day is still filled with frustrations, but then I'm reminded that God is with me and He is paving the way to do what He intended that day. It connects me to my husband who thinks about me through out the day and is more tender when he gets home.
     It also reminds me of what I model in front of my children. Elijah is the first to point out that I have a crabby attitude, "Mom you didn't pray this morning with Daddy did you? Maybe we should pray for you on the way to school."

     I hate it when my children point out my mistakes and flaws, but then it blesses me to know they understand the power of prayer. They have no problem telling God when they are angry, what they want and what they worry about. As adults, we lose that childlike faith and forget that God isn't some imaginary thing in the sky that we send our thoughts up to. He is real, lives within our spirits and wants to be able to work through our plans, weaknesses, and dreams. 
     How can He strengthen our marriage and faith if we don't first go to Him? Prayer and marriage go hand in hand and I'm thankful my kids are seeing it through my fumbles and shortcomings.

     Do you pray with your man? If not, what holds you back? The power of praying with your husband breaks through our shortcomings and limitations. It strengthens ours bond and creates intimacy that stands through trials. I encourage you to start out small and go to your husband.

Keeping The Marriage Bed Red Hot In Motherhood

     So allow me to really transparent, but before I go ANY further, I'd like to say to my parents and in-laws..."DON'T READ ANY FURTHER, trust me!" 

I feel like this at least twice a week!

     Moms these days are so frazzled and worn out, by the time their dear hubby's come home and hint about heating up the bedroom, the she merely rolls her eyes and directs him to his man cave. Yet, some of us are longing for that passion and romance.  With that said, I've gotten quite a few emails about how Chris and I seem to have it all together. We still act like honeymooners even though we have kids.

This is what real romance is, a commitment to love one another in the midst of toys, stretchmarks, and kids.

     In today's world, our minds ingrained with what we think is romance. What is portrayed on TV, movies, sitcoms and romance novels has NOTHING to do with real romance. That's right mama's. Throw the ideas of your husband looking like Fabio and riding off into the sunset with you carried in his thick brawny arms. It doesn't happen even in the lives of couples who don't have children. In this stage of life, a.k.a. mothering, our worlds revolve our children but we are longing for the romance. So here's a few tips from a mother of three (high strung, high energy, hot tempered kids) and how I keep the romance alive on my marriage.

Turn That Crock Pot On--Early

     My husband and I attended a marriage conference several years ago and I loved how women were described as crock pots. Try not to be insulted but it's the truth. Men are like bottle rockets and can go from 0-60 in a matter of seconds for a steamy night in the bedroom. Women on the other hand are like crock pots, it takes hours for us to simmer up to a romantic night in the bedroom. 
     Crock pots have all the ingredients inside, a dash of this, a bit of spice from that. All we do is put the lid on, crank the on bottom and we know by the end of the day, we have a wonderful meal in store. Marriage and sex is pretty much the same. As we simmer, we think of how wonderful our mate is.

     Being a crock pot means your husband needs to start early in the morning or even the night before turning you on to the idea of bedroom bliss. This is something you can do for yourself too. If you know that tonight is going to be the night, think of all the romantic things your husband has done over the years, text him and tell him you cant wait to see him that night. 
    

C-O-M-M-U-N-I-C-A-T-E

     That's right girls, we have to talk about it. Some of us don't have the drive, desire or willingness to turn from Mother Teresa to Hot Mama in the bedroom and that's okay. TALK to your husband about it. You may be drained from rearing your little ones all day. But it shouldn't stop you from being with your husband. 

     Talk to him about what makes your heart flutter and remind him to act on it. When I was visiting my friend Angela, her husband had left her post-it notes for her to find and read. My husband sends me text messages that reminding me of how much he loves me. Maybe, you like holding hands, having him make supper, bring flowers. What ever it is, tell your husband! For women, its the little things that get us simmering and in the mood.

     Sex isn't just an act, it's a relationship and one that our husbands need. I've known some women who had absolutely no desire for intimacy, so much so, they've given their husbands excuses like: 'sex isn't allowed during pregnancy, It's too close for that time of the month, I've got a headache and cramps.'

Listen up ladies, men need it! They need that physical intimacy with us, it's their connection to knowing that you accept them and you love them. When we give them our time and attention, they in turn feel confident in their relationship with us.

Picture of proof to remind myself that date night will come around again. 

Honey Mooning at Home

    Many of us are living on one income. That means every penny counts, but doesn't have to stop date night. We use several options and try to get alone every week, that's right, every week. Here's my list:

• Make Mac N Cheese for your little ones and put them to bed early.
• Create a meal for the two of you, complete with candle light.
• Ask your in-laws to watch your kids and go back home for date night.
• Log on to Ruby Tuesday's for their Buy One Get One Free meal deals.
• Child Swap with another couple. You watch their kids one night and then they watch yours.

     Once a month, my husband cooks an amazing gourmet dinner, puts the kids to bed early, draws me a bath and creates an romantic oasis in our bedroom (sounds exotic, he makes sure its clean and free of kid debris, and puts a scarf over the lamp to create softer lighting). 

He gets annoyed that I have to document every date night with a picture. Can you tell? :-)

 Your Mind Counts

     As women, we have a million things running through our minds at once. "Is the laundry dried, I need to run to target before my coupon expires, Elijah's room is a mess, I have to get three chapters edited, plan for a MOPS event, and prep for parent teacher conferences this week."

So when my husband gives me the look, I want to be prepared. Daily and especially on date night, I pray. I ask God to give me the desire to want to be with my husband, especially when my mind is full of to-do's and mommy matters. I'd much rather want to be with my husband than have the mind set, "Get in and get out already!" that so many women do. 

     Tell me, how do you keep the marriage bed hot? I'd love to hear your thoughts and even more questions of how to get creative, especially when you have kids!

Marriage Myths & Expectations: Nobody Ever Told Me That!

    Have you ever walked away from an unexpected fight with your spouse wondering why nobody ever couched you about marriage? Same here, Thursday evening did not involve romance and cuddle time like I had planned. We were too tired from entering the boxing ring over our marriage homework from small group. The assignment was on expectations entering into marriage and rating our experiences, then sharing with our spouses. 

Sounds romantic and rewarding right?

Wrong!
All couples enter into marriage with preconceived notions of how their needs will be met, included things like:

• We will cuddle on the couch every night.
• My wife will keep the house clean.
• My husband will take me on romantic vacations.
• My spouse will give me the "glad to see you look."
• My spouse will provide enough so that I can stay home with the kids

 When we got married, I was seven months pregnant, barely eighteen, and Chris was in love with a fireball cheerleader.  Our expectations were something like this:

• We will do things our own way, together.
• My spouse will always be my best friend.
• Our parents wont boss us around.
• We will have our own family traditions.
• Neither one of us will ever change.

See the problem yet? Neither one of us had any REAL expectations, nor did we realize there were expectations. Thankfully, we have survived twelve years and two more kids! God intended marriage as a union in which we would meet each other's needs, shoulder the burdens and share the joys.

     Now that we are both aware of the expectations we each have, we can strive to love our spouse in more fulfilling ways in meeting these needs. No matter the expectation or experience in a marriage, I'm learning something new each day about my husband. As much as I want my needs to be met all the time, I'm learning the nature of humility, kindness, compassion, and supporting my husband in his everyday life and dreams.
     Experiences and expectations are the building blocks for a good marriage. In order to have a great marriage, support your husband, brag about him when you can, press in to find out what his needs are from you, and rely on God to hold you two together.

The Secret to a Good Marriage and Being a Good Mom

    

     The amount of grace it takes to sustain a marriage is unfathomable. Well, maybe that just applies to me due to my ability shoot off like a bottle rocket in a matter of seconds. This afternoon, we attempted to take the kids for a walk (more like marathon), when I got fed up with the antics all the kids were pulling at once. In short, I halted all screaming, pouting, bad attitudes, key throwing, temper tantrums kids to park their tushies in the grass and ordered a family meeting. 
    Giving Chris the floor, I waited for him to give the usual 4-1-1 on the current issues. Innocently waiting for him to take over, I glanced at him. He was still standing there--silent. Already the kids were sensing the division between us, and began toying with what little patience I had left. After glaring at him, he tossed out the 'knock it off' speech before releasing them back to our marathon hike. 
    Ah, marriage. It affects our children more than the schools we put them in, the friends they have, or the church we take them to. They learn about the dynamics of it when they are still peanuts in our wombs; by the time they are three, they know when the parental units are divided or united. Our kids are learning relationship habits (and manipulation tactics), as if they were breathing air through every day interactions. 
    As Chris and I squabbled about how he handled his chit chat with the kids, eventually unkind words were thrown out. This also included irritating habits, and other flaming arrows. Later, after I had cooled off, I apologized to my husband in front of my children. Oh why the humility you might ask? Not only are my children learning relational habits, but they also need to learn a thing or two about a united home.
    Growing up, my mother and father didn't have an ideal marriage which ended in divorce. Though their circumstances were very different than mine, I want to teach my children through my actions, my marriage, and my life experiences what Jesus states in Mathew 12:25:

Every kingdom divided against itself will be ruined, and every city or household divided against itself will not stand.  

    As irritated as I was about the way my husband handled our family meeting and our spat, for my sake and my home, I needed to stuff my pride and apologize. 

    When God said that two become one in marriage He literally meant that we injure our own flesh when we tear down our partner. When I take aim at my husband's dignity, I may as well stab my own heart. This is why fighting hurts us so badly; when we get in the ring with our spouses, we really are beating our souls.

    Let's not forget our kids, I know what careless words and constant fighting does to a marriage and to the children that are unseemingly involved. I'm 30 years old, and still remember the fights of my parents so vividly. The selfishness, the hurt, and living in constant contention. 
     I want my children to learn how to resolve conflict and to build up their spouses, not tear them down. The enemy doesn't need an affair or other major tragedy to tear apart a family, he just needs a few careless words, pride, and selfishness. 

     Want to be a good mom to your kids? Then teach them the art of saying, "Forgive me." Walk out your heart's message to your spouse in front of them. Treat your husband with respect, talk to him about the things he likes to talk about that bore you to tears (I can now design a grain bin in my sleep, and fish better than my hubby!) Refuse to stuff issues until it rattles the home like the next 7.2 earthquake on the rictor scale. Tell your kids what a hero their daddy is and for goodness sake, have sex with him; this alone will solve most problems. Be his fan. The best gift you can give to your children is a good marriage. (Did I mention, have sex with him?) 

    So little mama, I leave you with this, if you want your house to stand, love each other well. 

Put Yourself in His Shoes

     Ah, yes it's Monday. Are you having a bad case of the Mondays? If so, come back tomorrow because today's post is not about you and will likely make you squirm a bit. I'm talking about Marriage Monday, in which I like to try and post a thing or two about the twelve years of experience I've had in this area. My husband revealed something to me the other night during small group that made me realize he is actually very wise and sweet. Most of the time, I tend to think of him as a cowboy type of guy. Doesn't say much, has a temper, shoots first, asks questions later. During our recent tragedy of losing a child, I could tell by Chris' face that I was pretty much unbearable to be around. Let's face it, extra hormones and being a woman is enough for a man to run for the hills (poor Chris).

     While we were sitting in small group, we were discussing my least favorite subject, forgiveness, when Chris offered some profound insight into any given situation where forgiveness is necessary. He went on to say he puts himself in the other person's shoes to gain understanding of their spiteful remarks, or vengeful attitude. Walking in another person's shoes allows Chris to see why the other person is hurting and directing the pain or anger at him; and suddenly the words that were meant for war becomes an understanding. It's followed by compassion and empathy (Note to self, begin teaching kids this perspective, maybe less fights will break out).

    So the next time your husband is snippy, distant, crabby, or PMS'ing (yes men do PMS, but we'll discuss that some other time, stay with me here), put yourself in his shoes, and move towards him with compassion and understanding. It will put out fires before they start or spark one that you both will be warmed by.

He Already Knows

   
     Tomorrow I will have been married to my husband for 12 years. I have been with him literally half of my life, that's because we were high school sweet hearts. As our anniversary looms towards us, I can't help but reflect over the last 12 years. If you were to tell me that I would be a mother of three children, and that my husband would be my best friend, my teenage self would have laughed at you. I had plans to climb the corporate ladder, to be a successful career woman. Yet I'm so thankful God had different plans. He already knew my future before I met Chris, and He was there when it seemed I was running out of things to dream.
    How many of us plan our futures and forget that we are in His hands? How many mothers forget that God planned the timing of each child, and personality of each precious babe? There is a purpose, plan, and future for each of us. We have to be willing to come before Him and know during the good times and bad, that He is ever before us and believe me, He has GOOD PLANS.

Fighting Social Media to Protect Your Marriage

     

     Is it just me or do the men of this country need a wake up call? These days the headlines are flooded with reports of infidelity, high divorce rates, and highlights of affairs. The most recent news includes the pending divorce of California's Governator, yes, I'm speaking of Arnold Schwarzenegger. When his maid of 20 years finally told his wife about her son, the marriage crumbled.
    If it's not full fledged affairs, our media saturates us with headlines from dozens of Congressmen who have been caught in sex scandals from sexually explicit text messages and photos, known as sexting. Congressman Wiener initially denied the charges and then was moved to deeply apologize to the country, including his wife.
    We are living in a modern day Babylon where the mantra is "do what feels good for you." With this attitude that floods our culture, how can we as women help protect the sanctity of marriage? Plain and simple, we need to have open, honest communication with our husbands. We need to find a way to support them and hold them accountable. While the responsibility lays on the shoulders of our husbands, here are a few tools you can use to fight social media.
                                         
     How I guard my cell phone and keep it from being a deceptive tool is one of the ways I protect my marriage. Texting is the most common form of communication these days. However, texting makes communication less formal and opens the doors to opportunity. Texting can allow us to feel more bold in whom we talk to, and how we talk to them. If I have to communicate with someone through a text message, I always keep in mind five things: 

1. Once I hit send, it's out in cyber, wireless space FOREVER.
2. Is this message a clear communication of what is needed to be said?
3. Can this message stand the light of day in God eyes? Is it something that could shame me?
4. Is it something that will cause my husband to mistrust me?
5. Is it something I can text with my husband looking over my shoulder.

      With that said, my husband follows the same rules. We are open with all lines of communication, we have each other's passwords to all email accounts, Facebook, and other social media. We also have full access to each other's phones. While other may look on and wonder, where is the trust and privacy, we like to state that we do trust one another. This type of accountability is protection for our marriage and family. 
     With marriage becoming an ever smaller practice and even been looked upon as entrapment in our world today, it's vital we become aware of the new temptations and strongholds. What are some safeguards you practice in your marriage? Have you ever considered the above safeguards as something to practice. Share your thoughts!

Chinese Goo and Romance

     

     I couldn't believe my husband ate it, I didn't even want to eat it, I was far to upset with how my gourmet meal turned out. He not only ate my disaster of a supper, he asked for seconds and used up all the brown sauce. I had planned all day yesterday to create a gourmet chinese meal with pieces of pork, fluffy rice, brown sauce, and egg noodles. Let's just say being a domestic goddess in the kitchen will never be within reach, after all I should have known better. I can't even make toast without burning it. The fact my husband ate my concoction of a dinner meant the world to me. He reminded me in a way of Jesus. He gave me grace and praised me for my efforts. After eating the Chinese goo, he proceeded to give me a break and cleaned up the kitchen. Let me tell you, it looked like a war zone in there.
     I'm so thankful my children are being exposed to what a marriage should look like, disaster dinners and all. My son has a chance to see how men should lovingly care for their wives and families. My daughters get to see what it's like to have a husband cherish and adore their mom. This may not seem like much, but each moment is tucked away into their hearts and being added to the list of what they will be looking for in a future mate.
     With marriage becoming an increasingly unpopular choice, it saddens my heart. Many young couples are missing out on what God intended marriage to be. Don't get me wrong, marriage has just as many valleys as it does mountains. What makes those valleys so worth it, is knowing both partners are committed to each other no matter what. That commitment creates a love that cannot be expressed in words. It's the same love that Paul about in Ephesians 5:23-31. I encourage you to check it out!

For Everything There is a Season...Even Running Away from the Kids!

     Waiting six years to take a vacation with my husband is entirely too long to wait. Granted we've had date nights scattered through the last few years, but waiting six years is insane! Of the five days we had alone, it took the first two to stop breathing into my brown paper bag,as I wildly imagined how my children were crying because they missed me so much; nor were the images of the kids running circles around their grandparents going away. The rest of the time was spent watching the time melt into the next day, hoping it wouldn't end. We slept in, brushed our teeth without fighting for room in the bathroom. Then there were the more fun things like hot tubing, fine dinning, hiking, and laying around doing nothing!                     
     As mothers, we are so busy putting our children's needs first, we forget we were here first. Come on, think about it, without a mommy and a daddy, there would be no kids. Before our kids were even a twinkle in our eyes, we were building a relationship with our husbands, and taking care of ourselves. Now that we've had kids, the pendulum seems to have swung entirely to the other side. It's high time we find the middle ground and carve our time not only for ourselves but for our relationship with our husbands too. Lucky for me, during our getaway, I found that I still actually like my husband!                   


God reminds us gently in Ecclesiastes 3:1 "To everything there is a season,and a time to every purpose under the heaven"; and this includes running away from the kids for a night or two!