Shaping the Heart

Raising strong-willed children is like having an army of toddlers in your home. These iron-willed babes will test every boundary and challenge any directive given. While I've been in the trenches of motherhood as a stay at home mom for several years, my goal has been to shape their behavior, lest they become criminals behind bars.
     I'm hoping y'all can relate to the limit testing sessions my youngest has been devising as she is reaching the terrible three's (Two’s were a breeze mamas; it's the three’s we need to prepare for!) She has decided that pottying everywhere other than the bathroom is way more fun, and no matter the direction I give her, she flat out refuses unless it's her idea. The final straw was the stunt she pulled on Wednesday night for Rainbows class. She threw a fit because she didn't want to sit at the table and color. So I warned her, "Tori, if you continue throwing your fit, I will take you home right now and you can go to bed, this is your last chance."
     Tori replied with authority, "YES, take me home, I want to go to bed!” What parent can win when the child has figured out the logic of the game? Frustrated, I left her there screaming, while other parents gave me the, 'Oh-you're-that-kind-of-parent' look.
     This past Sunday my pastor opened my eyes to what I had forgotten about parenting. Because these past few months had been so trying, I had forgotten how to parent. I was focused on remedying the behavior, and not shaping their hearts. If I wanted my children to trust and obey me, I needed to be molding their hearts like God was molding mine. God doesn't focus on our behaviors; He focuses on molding our hearts.
     In the midst of motherhood, appealing to our child's hearts causes them to want to do the right thing and shapes their hearts for the future. Just as God we place ourselves in God's hands; He molds, grips, and shapes our hearts through every day trials. In the process, He appeals to our love for Him, and we want to do the absolute best we can (plus we aren't big fans of learning a lesson over and over). If I want my children to grow up with compassion for others and passion for our God, then I need to mother their hearts, not just the behavior!

MomSense

    I think I'm finally getting used to my own ways of being a mom, everyone has a different mothering style, voice, tone, technique and approach. So imagine how excited I was to review this year's theme for MOPS and to read the book, MomSense. Jean Blackmer, an acquaintance of mine who wrote MomSense simplifies motherhood. Instead of getting caught up in the hype of what could damage your child, the best way to potty train, breast versus bottle, and more, she encourages moms to take in all the advice, listen to your own instincts and do what works for you and your family.
        This insight is something I definitely need to be reminded of often. I used to feel bad as I watched other moms use quiet tones and distractions, while I was busy defining exactly where the boundaries were each and every moment for my kids. My parenting style needed to be different and I wondered if it was such a bad thing. That's just it, MomSense is about trusting your own instincts, weighing the options of professional advice and running with what works for your child. Sometimes the stage changes and you have to stand back and weigh the options again. Learning to accept who you are and what works for your family makes motherhood oh so much easier, it takes the pressure off of competing to be mom of the year don't you think?

A Moment of Clarity

    

     Ignoring the stares of those in the waiting room, I pulled both my kids off the top of the kiddie table, firmly setting them on either side of me in chairs. We were at the doctor's office for their much needed check-up's, since it had been over a year. Normally if they were sick or needed a doctor's eye, we would take them to First Care, where we were in and out in 20 minutes.
     Much to my reluctance, we went to see a new family doctor. Upon his entrance into the examination room, like clockwork, my kids began testing boundaries. As I tried to answer questions for the doctor, I became a jungle gym for Tori, and kept interrupting the doctor every two minutes to talk Elijah through making better choices or to change his behavior.
      Low and behold, the doctor shocked me, "Looks like you've got your hands full with these two; they're pretty strong-willed." He wasn't irritated with their behavior, shocked at their outbursts, or surprised by the stand-offs in that little room; which of course included the stand off to get Tori to open her mouth so he could check her teeth and throat. (She clamped down her jaw and glared at the doctor, he then pushed the stick onto her teeth and pinched her nose, causing Tori to gasp for air.)
    Instead of being irritated with her, he chuckled and gave me a moment of clarity, it actually felt good to hear a professional state the obvious. "In any case, I would wait to potty train Tori for another three to six months; good luck with their spirits and I'll see you in six months," he said, as he tried to shake my hand while I was keeping a potential war breaking out between the two kids.
     Every mom needs reassurance sometimes to know that she is not imagining what she is dealing with. A moment of clarity like this resonates in our hearts. It encourages us that we are on the right track, even if it's a difficult one. Sometimes it's difficult to be raising a child who has challenges, or challenges you, or is not so compliant, we forget that we are not to compare ourselves to others. God knew exactly what He was doing when He made you the mother of that child!

If You Love Me, Then You Will Obey Me.

 

    I sucked in my breathe as my own words convicted my heart. My son had been disobedient all day, as we were coming home for naptime, my son sang out, "I love you Mommy," as he raced downstairs instead of to his bed. Without thinking, I shot back, "If you love me, then you would obey me." Jesus was quoted in John 14:15 speaking to his disciples, "If you love me, you will obey my command." He then goes on say in John, verses 23-24, "If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with Him. He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me." 

     If we love him, we will obey him, if we don't obey, we don't love. As painful as that is it hear, I question my own disobedience. I love God with all my heart, and yet my fallen nature shows me how weak I am. I struggle with obeying, and yet I get upset with my children when they choose to partially obey, or not obey at all. 

     There are so many reasons I choose not to obey, it's inconvenient, stretches me, or my flesh is stronger than my walk. The truth of the matter is God is asking us to obey because He wants and has the best for us. It's the same for our babies, we want the best for them. The stark reality is when we are parenting our children to obey, God is teaching us the importance of our obedience to Him. 

Yet Another Lesson to Teach Mama to Rely on God...

Tori will one day be a GREAT cake decorator, the blue stuff is Toothpaste.

     Yet another day has passed when God didn't reveal Himself to me through the art of patience...well through Tori's art. The day started off before 6:00 a.m. with Elijah screaming because Tori had frolicked down the hallway, climbing up in his loft bed to pounce on him. Within an hour, my beloved coffee had not kicked in and my daycare babes tumbled through the door. 

     Cooper, the six month old cried nonstop as I ran Elijah and Cole to swimming lessons, then all the kids to the school cafeteria for lunch. By naptime, Cooper's cries intensified as I laid down the rest of the kids before focusing the wide-eyed screamer. Forty-five minutes of shushing, rocking, walking, and bargaining passed before I tip-toed down the hallway to check on my precious sleeping babes. Before I opened Tori's door, I knew she was up to something. The smell of pooh and toothpaste hit my nostrils full force. 

    Blue toothpaste covered the carpets, bedding, and the dresser. As I looked around in horror, she was very carefully lining the edges of her castle. Every toy that had an edge in her room was covered in toothpaste...an entire tube.

God's humored voice hit my ears, Be strong and take heart, all [Mama's] who hope in the LORD. (Psalm 31:24).      Instead of giving in to my very weak (and very freaked out) nature of yelling, I remained calm. Instead, I bit my tongue and snapped a picture of her as Tori drove her Thomas trains through a line of paste. I scooped her up, and tossed her in the shower. God's words were still meditating in my heart as I cleaned the mess, thankful I made the choice to fight my nature and love my daughter. 
    Afterthought: If you want to know how I got my carpet spotless, my friend Tamara came over to save the day...and my carpet. We laughed over Tori's ability to decorate and used PRESPOT, to get the toothpaste out. You can visit her at www.threadcharmer.blogspot.com

The Art of Training-- Adventuresome Kids

     I'm always apologizing for my children. I mean, I am constantly cringing and saying I'm sorry to the children's pastors at church, Sunday school teachers, babysitters, and even friends. Considering that I have three high energy (imagine the energizer bunny on crack and sugar combined), strong willed, and adventuresome kiddos, it's no surprise that apologizing constantly has become the norm. 

     Just this evening, my husband chased our two year back into the house after she bolted outside into the pouring rain while wearing her princess dress. This was the encore of the evening. My son almost never makes it through Wednesday night church programs before we get called, or he is sitting with the children's pastor, and Tori is in a class with seven little boys, all of which are afraid of her. My oldest child is fine so long as her impulses don't get the best of her.

      It wasn't until the other evening as I walking with a VERY good friend of mine, that she shed light on the verse Proverbs 22:6, "Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it." Most of the time when this scripture is unpacked in study, one thinks it means to train a child up in the ways of God. While the essence of training a child in God's ways are important, Audra, explained that it means we are to train up our child in how God packaged them. Instead of apologizing for my kids adventurous spirits, I need to embrace each personality and direct each one into becoming the person God created them to be. 

     Each of my wild-eyed, precious babes have a unique personality, will, and talents. Every moment I get as their mother, I need to tailor as learning moments towards who they are. Audra's words were so simple, yet so profound. I don't have this mothering thing down to a art yet, but each new day is a chance to mold them into who God created them to be. Yes, I'm sure I will still be apologizing on some level for some stunt they've pulled. In the mean time, I'll be looking for each opportunity to not only embrace who they are, but to enjoy WHO they are. 

A Reflection Of Me Through Parenting Moments

    For the fifth time in less than three minutes, I hauled Tori back into her bed while taking more toys from her room. I was beyond frustrated with her not staying bed. I just wanted to decompress in the depths of quiet and alone time before I went to bed. Not understanding why I was so aggravated, I sent up a silent prayer to God. I shouldn't have been so angry, after all, motherhood is about training your child in obedience and to hear God's voice and clearly Tori had her own ideas about bedtime. That's when I heard God reply back, "You aren't angry with her, you are upset because you see reflections of your mistakes in your child."
     This thought hit me like a ton of bricks. I paused at Tori's bedside and wondered just what that meant. The behaviors of my kids this week alone made me feel like we were a family of failures, Tori had cut her hair in the middle of her head, Elijah got a black eye from surfing in the bathtub and my oldest decided to shave her eyebrows.  Other thoughts swirled with the many mistakes I had made in my lifetime, each adding up to another moment of what seemed like failure. Gently, God impressed on my heart that my mistakes were not failures, instead these mistakes were life lessons. Mistakes were not mistakes unless I didn't gain anything. At the same time, I realized that I needed to radically change my thoughts and view of parenting.
     Instead of seeing every act of disobedience as a failure on the path to a lifetime of mistakes (and perhaps jail time), I needed to open my eyes to the learning opportunities each moment of discipline had for my child. For the last eleven years I had been parenting out of fear, that if my children didn't get it right and kept repeating the same offenses, they were headed for failure. Instead, I need to parent out of opportunity, a chance to train them into making choices for themselves. As frustrating as some of these parenting moments are, I need to view each moment as a fresh moment in making good choices. 

     

It's Not The Kids, Mama has Separation Anxiety

Somebody hand me a paper bag quick! Reality is setting in as well as my fears and the kids can sniff it in the air. My over active imagine has been on over drive, every senairo possible and at every angle has crossed my mind and played out. We will be leaving for a writer's conference so I can crtique my manuscript and pitch it to publishing houses and agents. My husband and I get to spend 5 glorious and quiet days together in the mountains do what I love; but what about the kids? My kids aren't little angels, as a matter of fact, they are independent, strong willed, and law enforcement know them by name. Not beacuse they are bad, it's because they get themselves into precarious situations. For example, my youngest daugther Tori had a church tighten its security measures in terms of childcare because she managed to get through 4 doors. She was out in the parking lot before anyone realized she was missing. Lovely right? She does this at home too, which is why all exits have chain latches at the top. 

      Then there's my son who had me hanging on for dear life since he could walk, rather his first steps were  running. He has no fear of anything, except the dark and loud humming noises. My oldest, I'm not too worried about except for staying on top of her homework. It doesn't sound too bad right? Well, I haven't left my children for more than 12 hours since 2005, not kidding. We had an overnight or two here and there but this will be the longest time I've been away from them. 

     Why do I worry? I'm afraid they're too much like their mother who is famous in the family for sneaking away and walking 3 miles down the interstate with semi trucks barreling by on one side and a 3 feet deep canal on the other full of water. Then there's the business of burning down our kitchen in the middle of the night. For the sake of my brother and I, we wanted waffles and were trying to make some.
Getting some alone time is greatly needed, but how do I conquer this wild imagination? How will Grandma and Grandpa cope (who by the way think my kids are angels). How do you cope with leaving your wild kiddies behind? Normally, I'd be excited, but this time, the what-if's are raging loudly in my mind.
     Prayers are needed as I continue to pack the rest of the house in between sessions of breathing into my paper bag. Separation is good for the kids and apparently I need a healthy dose of it!

Mother's Day & Our Dreams

 This weekend is a time to honor our mothers for all the sacrifices they've given us. They ruined their bodies to carry us, endured excruciating pain to birth us, spend countless nights awake to hold us as we wailed. Then they did their best to launch us into the world, hoping the thousands of prayers they've prayed over us will help sink our roots into our mighty God. 

     Our moms then couldn't be any more ecstatic when we ourselves become mothers and we repeat the process as we dream the possibilities for our children. But when the unexpected becomes the reality, mother's day isn't as the same. What do we do when our worst fears are realized? What happens when the doctor tells you something you never expected that results in a life altering existence for your child?

      Mother's day is sure to be celebrated and grieved at the same time. There is still do much joy that our child brings us and yet we grieve the dreams that  have become stillborn; all the while praising God for the child He created in His image so perfectly. We hand the child over to God (after all, she is only loaned to us for a little while), and tell Him to show us the plan He has for her; and that's when He whispers to our hearts, "She will be fine, she will be more than fine, the struggle will be harder for you than it will be for her. Just I stood by and watched the struggle my Son endured so you could be with Me, it will be the same for you. Little Mama, don't you think I know how it breaks your heart to watch your child suffer and struggle? Don't you think I know what it's like to know about what your child is going to have to endure? I AM with you, I AM with her and I'll carry you both when you think you can't go on." 

Nope, I Didn't Do It.

      What is it about potty training that makes a child feel she holds all the power in her hands? Anybody know what I'm talking about? Experts say that girls are quicker to the use the potty than boys, apparently they haven't met my daughter. We started out potty training when she was 25 months. She was ready and doing it on her own. But, once she realized that Mommy liked her going on the potty, the power struggle began. So I tried bribery, stickers, toys, good cop - bad cop, and of course crying.
       Instead of going on the potty, my strong willed child will dance, squeeze her tushie together, and hold it in for all she's worth. After the smell of her dirty deed has given her away, I'll ask, "Tori did you go poo-poo?" She will push her blond locks out of her eyes and get eye level with me and then say, "Nope!" So the struggle begins to take her to the changing table because she would rather waddle around with the filth in her pull-up than change it.
     Tactics and schematics are going to change when I get back from a trip I'm going on next week. All that I ask is that you pray for us! Mommy will be enforcing the potty training boot camp. Granted I know experts say to wait until your child is ready, but I question whether they had my child in mind when they made this blanket statement. In the meantime, tips and advice would be handy, not to mention contact info for a 'potty training whisperer.'

Momma Gets A Time Out

I love my kids and enjoy their presence and smile. Some days though, I'm gritting my teeth while counting down the minutes to bedtime. I'm craving silence and their little bodies to be still. Last week was one of those roller coaster weeks. My kids defied every direction given and were just plain grumpy. After day three of attitudes, back talking, and tantrums, I sent a silent prayer to God, "Okay I know that I begged You for these kids so please help me to find something good about them, fix their attitudes please!" 
Instead of fixing their attitudes, it was me that needed fixing. The reply I got back was, "Remember how much I love My children." Call it a supernatural attitude check; as each one gave in to a case of grumpies or terrible two frenzies, God showed me how much He loved them despite their behavior. Parenting them has come with more grace and more patience for me and their tantrums don't seem to penetrate my sanity; instead the problems are met with a calm Mamma whose had a good chat and time out with God. 

23 Ultimate Boredom Busters

       With spring just around the corner, the kids are twitchy and antsy. Yes, that's right, I said 'twitchy'. They're twitchy in terms of watching the snow melt, and green shoots of grass poke through. These little ones feel the air getting warmer and can see the sun is shinning a little bit longer each evening. You know these little signs of weather changing induce? Not just allergies, but SPRING FEVER. 

        While it's not quite warm enough to play outside, here are a few boredom buster ideas to share on those days when you're ready to pull your hair out as your kids are literally climbing the walls. Normally I don't post lists of things to do, but with three high energy kids plus daycare kids, I must keep them happily engaged in an activity or expect to clean up horrendous messes and call peace to world war three and four for that matter. 

1. Build a fort! The bigger the better.

2. Go camping in the basement. Include the sleeping bags and tents. We've even included our fire pit but we're known to be a bit red necked.

3. Have a organize the toys day.

4. Bake Cookies

5. Eat the cookies and take a few to a neighbor.

6. Write letters to relatives. Let the kids include photographs they take.

7. Play post office.

8. Make homemade goo and play dough. 

9. Get Scrapin', make a collage of your favorite family memories.

10. Play school, let the kids be the teacher while you get to be the annoying student.

11. Play house, moms can be the baby!

12. Let your kids wash the dishes or other chores that fascinate them.

13. Make a craft, there's plenty of macaroni, beans, and elbow pasta in your pantry.

14. Let them plan and make supper under your supervision of course.

15. Have supper on the floor, picnic style. 

16. Have a movie and P.J's day. 

17. Make your own obstacle course with your furniture and knick knacks.

18. Create a magnetic & chalk wall for the kids to color, draw, make lists and more.

19. Create an indoor scavenger hunt.

20. Peddy and Mini day, just put clear polish on the boys!

21. Stage a Karaoke afternoon.

22. Go sight see your town and your kid's favorite hot spots, grab a treat to munch on. 

23. Start a Family Game Night.

As always, please comment and add your ideas to the list. Mama's need all the tips we can get!

Temper, Temper

"PUT THE FRISBEE DOWN!" I demand after requesting it calmy twice before.

"But Mommy, I want to play with it."

Elijah put the Frisbee down. That Frisbee is for Frisbee golf...OUTSIDE. The battle lines were now drawn, time to either match him toe to toe or allow my house to be engulfed in Frisbee chaos.

"MOMMY I WANT TO PLAY WITH IT!" My response was totally not what Elijah wanted to hear or expected. I think he honestly thought I would bow down and say yes my son, throw it around in the house and feel free to shatter the pictures on the walls.

"I said no." Before the word no is formed on my lips, my son is screaming from the top of his lungs as he chucks the Frisbee into the wall (it left a lovely dent...very nice).

My four year old is a ticking time bomb. Granted he never really was that sweet of a baby with his nerves of steal and strong willed nature. He's been known to scream for four hours at a time. I went to the movies with my girlfriends once...four hours later I came home and my husband had given Elijah five bottles which didn't do any bit of good in terms of consoling the child. He screamed until he heard my voice and immediately piped down. It was also the last time I went to the movies. Through infancy and toddler hood, I've learned to pick my battles with this child. With a SWC(strong willed child), everything is a battle, and I mean EVERYTHING. Something as simple as which color of a cup to major must win battles such as holding hands when crossing the street or wearing a seat belt.
     Elijah may have outgrown the rolls upon rolls of baby fat, but he hasn't outgrown his temper or low frustration level. That leaves me wondering when I will have a sweeter dispositioned golden haired blue eyed angel...apparently never. This morning has been one battle after another. The final straw after the Frisbee incident was biting his daycare friend Cole. Cole decided to NOT share his transformer named Bionicle with Lige (Elijah). Lige felt that this was the worst decision ever and clamped his mouth onto Cole's shoulder. So after this offense, I led my little man to a time out in which he proceeded to scream at the top of his lungs.
     I couldn't take it anymore and sent up a whiny prayer to God. Unexpectedly I got an answer. Father God impressed on this short fused mama, He too feels the same way when we pray to Him for answers to our desires and yet we don't want for the response. Instead we keep babbling and expecting God to answer the way we expect things to go. When we don't get the response we expect or the answer we want, we in turn act just like my son does...screaming in frustration.
Ephesians 4:32 came to me, "Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you." The point being that though I'm beyond fed up with my son's tantrums, I need to show him compassion just as Father God shows me compassion when I chose not to listen to His guidance and directions. So after placing my screaming child in time out; and placed my self in a time out. Gathering the threads of my last nerve I spoke with my son giving him the reasons why it's not a good idea to play with a one pound Frisbee disc in the house and further more what his screaming does to my nerves. Though he seemed to zone out, he felt better. After hugging me, he ran off to play with Cole.