Are You an Angry Mom?

     

     Hold the phone ladies, back away from the Proverbs 31 wife perspective for a moment. I think we missed a chick that had far more superior wisdom several books ago. Sure we all want to be diligent, finding favor in our husband’s eyes and being called ‘blessed’ by our children; but in order to have this kind of life we need to build our families up.

    For the last few months God has graciously brought another area to the surface. I've uprooted addictions, insecurities, become more disciplined and now that things are somewhat calm around here, and it’s time to work on something that no mom or wife really wants to talk about...ANGER. It's time to work on my issue, being called quick tempered, Irish, or needing anger management isn't so funny anymore. It's especially eye opening when I see them tense up and back away from me as my voice gets louder and my body gets increasingly tense.

     Last week I got to travel with a good friend of mine to a speaking engagement and I got the nerve to tell her about the issue and the struggles of trying to change. She replied that some of us don’t ever get out of the anger cycle because it works for us. That’s right ladies, we have a temper because, “It works for us.” Think about it, does your child stop his/her behavior when that pot boils over? Does your husband give your space or allow you to do what you want to do?

     I’ll admit it, my temper flaring is my biggest weakness, and when it flares how then am I supposed to build my family up? All the diligence and buying of fields in the world isn’t going to matter if my attitude and words tear my family at the seams. Proverbs 14:1 says, “The wise woman builds her house, but with her own hands the foolish one tears hers down.”  Anger and frustration get in the way of calm voices, and words that could shape my children’s hearts. Instead, anger causes hurt feelings, careless words, and leaving family member’s feelings very insecure.

    Before I can pursue being a Proverbs 31 woman, I need to pursue the wise woman who builds up her family. I’d much rather build my children and husband up in their esteem and confidence, I’d rather focus my energy on investing in their lives as God intended me to. 

Choosing to Persevere Instead of Giving Up

    Don't give up. Persevere. Stand your ground. Keeping Trying. Do any of these sentences hold some weight with your heart? I believe they do. The Bible is full of scriptures about preserving what God has called us to do. Life itself with little ones will suck the strength out of us if we aren't careful to check our reserves.
    God places a dream on our hearts and children in our wombs. From there He tells us to focus on Him and what He has planned for us. As we journey on through our daily domestic duties, our persevere falters and we fail. We sit on the couch and wonder what to do next and think there is no point in trying again.
    As many times as I have thrown myself on the couch and given up, God paves the way right to my heart, reminding me that He has plans. Yet, those plans won't take shape unless I keep trying.  Galatians 6:9 leaped off the pages of my Bible, "And let us not grow weary of doing good, for in due season we will reap, if we do not give up." He then impressed upon me the image of what His Son did for us as He made His way to the hill where He would be crucfied. God was telling me that if His Son could do it, I could do the same for Him.
    No matter the dreams that God has laid on your heart, no matter the struggles you face while caring for your children, God is there cheering you on. He is insisting that you rest your gaze on Him and don't give up!

Shaping the Heart

Raising strong-willed children is like having an army of toddlers in your home. These iron-willed babes will test every boundary and challenge any directive given. While I've been in the trenches of motherhood as a stay at home mom for several years, my goal has been to shape their behavior, lest they become criminals behind bars.
     I'm hoping y'all can relate to the limit testing sessions my youngest has been devising as she is reaching the terrible three's (Two’s were a breeze mamas; it's the three’s we need to prepare for!) She has decided that pottying everywhere other than the bathroom is way more fun, and no matter the direction I give her, she flat out refuses unless it's her idea. The final straw was the stunt she pulled on Wednesday night for Rainbows class. She threw a fit because she didn't want to sit at the table and color. So I warned her, "Tori, if you continue throwing your fit, I will take you home right now and you can go to bed, this is your last chance."
     Tori replied with authority, "YES, take me home, I want to go to bed!” What parent can win when the child has figured out the logic of the game? Frustrated, I left her there screaming, while other parents gave me the, 'Oh-you're-that-kind-of-parent' look.
     This past Sunday my pastor opened my eyes to what I had forgotten about parenting. Because these past few months had been so trying, I had forgotten how to parent. I was focused on remedying the behavior, and not shaping their hearts. If I wanted my children to trust and obey me, I needed to be molding their hearts like God was molding mine. God doesn't focus on our behaviors; He focuses on molding our hearts.
     In the midst of motherhood, appealing to our child's hearts causes them to want to do the right thing and shapes their hearts for the future. Just as God we place ourselves in God's hands; He molds, grips, and shapes our hearts through every day trials. In the process, He appeals to our love for Him, and we want to do the absolute best we can (plus we aren't big fans of learning a lesson over and over). If I want my children to grow up with compassion for others and passion for our God, then I need to mother their hearts, not just the behavior!

A Dancing Lesson

    

(I posted this in August, but with all the emails I've been getting, it's time for a refresher course on dancing!).
When we first learn to dance, someone takes us by the hands and directs our steps. How we loved to be the center of attention as we twirled and captivated our partners. From the time we are little girls learning to dance on daddy's shoes, to being all grown up, someone has held our hands as we danced.
     So how is it in the dance of life that I learned to be so independent? How is it that I decided to dance on my own? Between accepting my daughter's autism, and nearly losing this new pregnancy, I decided that it was much easier to dance by myself than to dance with God.
     Have you been there? Life has overwhelmed you with a new reality while you are still tending to healing scars? Have you decided to take on more than you can balance or maybe your partner is taking a breather; leaving you to continue dancing by yourself?
    My mentor mom Roxie called me the other day and though she was just calling to check on items for MOPS, the words she spoke sounded the end of this dance of independence. I could hear God whispering, "Heather, no worries, just follow My lead. I'm going to teach you exactly what to do. No one else can dance this dance quite like you--if you hold My hand."
     All too often life catches up to me and I am afraid to reach out to others whom God has placed in my life for friendship and support; and the friends who I do reach out to, I keep at a safe distance in the thought that I can do this by myself. Last night as I heard God speak these words to me, I realized how much more beautiful dancing can be if I have a partner and I let Him lead.
    

When God Shows Up

     Life in the motherhood is full of twist and turns. Some can send us on a tailspin to the bottom, knocking the very breath out of us. We try to wipe the dust off our rears while wondering where God was when it happened. Sound familiar yet?

     Where is He, how does He show up in our lives? It's not a burning bush or doves descending from heaven. Usually He shows up with a strong presence of comfort and strength, He reveals His thoughts to us in Scripture, and the best form of His presence is through friendships.
   These past few weeks have taught me that He is ever present and uses friends to bring encouragement, love, peace, comfort, and help in times of need. Instead of shutting people out, open your heart because they may be God's messenger to bring His presence to you today. John 15:12-15 reminds us that we are to band together and love one another as Christ loved us. Let that resonate in your heart today and reach out to a friend!
     “This is my commandment, that you love one another as I have loved you. Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends. You are my friends if you do what I command you. No longer do I call you servants, for the servant does not know what his master is doing; but I have called you friends, for all that I have heard from my Father I have made known to you.

Joy Stolen--Take it Back.

     As moms, we face trials and tribulations sometimes on a daily basis that could drive us over the edge--can I get an amen? I faced several trials this summer with learning to accept that my oldest is Autistic. Granted, she is 12 and she is still the same little girl who has my heart, but knowing God created her this way was and still is very difficult to accept.
     Combine this new diagnosis with becoming a chauffeur to appointments nearly every afternoon of the week; not to mention struggles with homework, and raising two other kids, I had lost my joy in being a mother. While I struggled with accepting our new lifestyle and routine, I found out I was pregnant, only to have the joy of anticipation stolen through miscarriage.
     All of this left me breathless and joyless. Have you felt this way? Has a situation or circumstance left you spinning? You wonder what God is up to while feeling a bit perturbed that He allowed it. Yet, we forget one very important thing...the enemy. The enemy prowls the earth looking to steal our joy, if he succeeds, he can take you down with him. The scriptures say he has prowls outside our doorsteps looking to kill, steal, and destroy.
    As creepy as the thought is that there is something lurking outside our doors while we snuggle with our little ones, we need to remember what Romans 8:35, 37-39 says, "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Because we cannot be separated from the Lord, He is walking the every day trials with us. When we feel as if we have been side-swiped through something like a miscarriage, we need to remember He is still there, carrying us, shielding us from the darts of the enemy.
   I had lost my joy because I allowed the feelings of defeat to be bigger than God. I forgot that we are more than conquerors in Christ. There will be trials, heartaches and headaches, that much is a guarantee. Yet if we continue to keep our focus on Jesus and how much He loves us, we will still have our joy because it rests alone in Him.

How Mall Mayhem Made Me Realize How Smart Jesus Was

     "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength," I mumble through deep breaths during my time-outs. It's something I often tell myself through the challenges of motherhood. During a rare outing with my kids, we were at the mall and I was trying to complete a purchase while I gave Elijah the 'mom look', death glare, and several verbal warnings to stop acting like an uncivilized heathenistic monkey. Instead of complying, he batted his big blue eyes and told me,
"No way, I'm bored you mad cow," to which I mentally noted, no more Loony Tune Cartoons from which he learned the phrase 'mad cow' and immediately began paraphrasing my strength verse in hopes I would have the strength to stay calm and not strangle this beloved babe in public. The cashiers doubled over in laughter after watching me get on eye level with my son and telling him,
"Young man, I'm beginning to lose my patience. If I lose my patience, that means Mommy is going to need a very long time-out. And if Mommy gets a long time-out, you will also get a time-out, have I made myself clear?"
   Apparently the idea of moms getting time-out's is funny. I don't see the funniness in it at all. Jesus took time-outs away from his disciples and family in order to be closer to God, to clear his head, and to pray. If the Son of God purposely took regular time-outs, why shouldn't we as mothers? I recently read in a James Dobson book that moms should take at least one time-out a week, and yet we as mothers feel guilty doing it. Why should we feel guilty when we all know the end result of a time-out is rest, clarity, collected saneness, and maybe a cute outfit or two?
    The next time you find yourself threatening your child with a time-out, make a mental note to plan one for yourself this week. I know I will!

The Shape of Motherhood

     Ever feel like a ball of play dough? If I were to describe myself at the moment, that would be it, a fresh new peice of play dough that is no longer sitting round and unshaped in its container. Instead, I'm in God's hands being smashed, kneaded, pulled apart, and reshaped. In this new season of motherhood, there are several things reshaping my heart, my view of motherhood and God. Cheyenne's diagnosis of Aspergers squeezed everything I knew about God in my heart. Then there's a new development in my son's behaviors, which is leading us down a familiar road of A.D.H.D., all the while, I'm trying to balance my writing career, on top of juggling the mommy domestic dailies and the new behavior and learning issues of my first two kids.
    God is using all these circumstances to tug and pull me into the shape He wants me to be, and here I thought motherhood was about raising kids. In reality, God is using motherhood to shape me. He is using my children to bring to the surface areas that need His hands. He is molding me because I need Him. We all need Him. If we are willing to place ourselves in His hands, count on God molding, shaping and reshaping you into the design He intended. Tricia Goyer's book title caught my eye, the book Blue Like Play Dough: the shape of motherhood in the grip of God says it all. It speaks volumes to my heart in one sentence. Though I haven't read the book yet, I can imagine how God used motherhood to shape her heart as well.
     In a way we all are like balls of play dough and God is asking us if we want to be shaped for His design. It's up to us to bring our insecurities, our worries, our perceptions to Him. In the process of life, He will use our children as His hands to do the shaping. It comes through the sleepless nights, insisting on whats best for your toddler and so much more. He will use diangosis' of disorders to tugg our hearts into the direction He wants us to lead. Though sometimes it's painful, He alone sees the finished design.

The Confident Mom

    

    What is it about entering a room full of your peers and you're suddenly launched back into middle school with the geeky glasses, painted on jeans, and a bad perm? This is how I felt every time I entered a room full of other moms. Now add to the fact that I all I saw of these women were their abilities to mother in ways I could not. They were calmer, more affectionate, more creative and more patient. Now I know I shouldn't compare but I somehow felt I missed the memo on motherhood; I wondered how they seemed to have it together and I didn't.  When our kids played together in groups, I was apologetic of my child's behavior and felt poorly dressed in my decades old jeans and tees, while the other moms seemed so polished with well behaved preschoolers.
    Motherhood was never really part of my plans and now I that I am one, I feel like I'm winging it most of the time (and I love motherhood by the way). One afternoon while I was having another ranting session with God, asking Him for the millionth time to tame my children's behaviors, He spoke to my heart.  He knew my abilities, my personality, my temperament. He then created children that He knew I could parent. It was time to stop comparing myself to other moms and embrace who I am as a mother. It was time to embrace how other moms mothered as well. He was asking me to be okay with myself and be the bold mom He created me to be (and maybe take some time to go shopping). It reminds me of verse Psalms 118:8, "It is better to trust in the Lord that to put confidence in man." He doesn't want us comparing ourselves to others for our confidence, instead we need to keep our eyes on Him!