Stinkin' Thinkin': 3 Tips to Take Those Thoughts Captive

Have you heard the term, "Stinkin' thinkin'"? It makes me giggle along with my kids. It rhymes, it's catchy. It reminds me every time I hear it or think it, that I need to take my thoughts captive. Maybe you do too, which is why I wanted to share with you. 

“…and we take captive every thought to make it obedient to Christ…”  2 Corinthians 10:5 

Your Thoughts Are Who You Are

Do you struggle to take control of your thoughts? I know I do. Very recently, after a misunderstanding, old wounds were reopened and all I could do was dwell on the injustice I felt. What I didn't realize was how it colored everything. Because my thoughts were dwelling on this incident, it painted how I thought of my kids, my work, and myself. 

Maybe you struggle with envy, jealousy, rejection, worry, or fear. Or your thoughts are just plain unkind, crabby, unhelpful thoughts like:

"What is she doing on the worship team, have you seen the suggestive clothes she wears?"

"Why does she always seem to have the newest phone or shoes, new curtains, new house, and when I buy stuff, it doesn't look that good. My taste stinks."

"I can't believe they let that woman in here."

"He wants to go to school next year, but I'm worried that he won't be ready."

"I never seem to have it all together, why I can't I be better at this?"

"She is SO unkind, just plain mean to me. I'm so hurt that she said that to me. And my kids have been little monsters today, they are SO not listening to me. AND the house is a complete disaster, AND I didn't have time to clean it. AND that to-do list of repairs is still on the fridge. AND my husband is going to be getting home late again...AND"

Tell me what you thought of the last example? Have you ever noticed that if you're in a stinky mood, it permeates and spills over onto everything that is happening in your life? Did you ever stop to notice how hard it is not have stinky thoughts? They just keep rolling in like tidal waves in a storm. Things keep getting worse and worse with no end in sight.

Thankfully I have a few tips that I've picked up along the way that I can share with you that I've learned from friends and because I've encountered situations like the examples of above.

Febreeze that Stinkin' Thinkin'

I Need a Brainwash

Music affects our moods, it has the ability to lighten our moods and lower our blood pressure. I love listening to my favorite radio stations.

• My Bridge Radio can be played on your computer or via radio. They now offer the lyrics to the songs they broadcast, which is awesome if you're a wordy chick like me.
• K-LOVE is another favorite I use online. 

Some of my current favorite videos via YouTube:

• Lose My Soul:Toby Mac, Kirk Franklin, & Mandisa
• The Lost Get Found: Britt Nicole (This is has been my ring tone for the three years.)
• From The Inside Out: Seventh Day Slumber (I'm a groupie, so proud of these boys!)

Of course you can always use your IPod and create a playlist of songs that are uplifting and remind you of who really is in charge of your life and your mind.

Stick It

Of course, we can't listen to music all of the time, but you do carry a purse don't you? Get some note cards or sticky notes, write out specific verses that empower you, knowing God is in control. 

Some of my favorite power Scriptures that I stand on are:

When I need peace:

• ...And the peace of God...will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”  Philippians 4:6-7.
• “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you...“  John 14:27

When I need to know God is with me:

• “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you…”  Isaiah 43:1-3
• “The Lord is with me; I will not be afraid.”  Psalm 118:6

Find Scriptures that speak to your heart, stick them in your purse, on your mirror, in your car, on your treadmill.

Let Someone Read to You

If you're a busy mama which I imagine you are, there are other ways to stay in God's word and let His Words strengthen your heart and clear your mind of stinky thoughts. I just discovered YouVersion for editing purposes but found they have apps for your latest gadget. It's a great way to stay in God's word or you can listen to it at night as you're falling asleep.

• You Version for IPhone
• You Version for Android
• Listen from your computer at Bible Gateway

Taking our thoughts captivated can be a tenaciousness process, unless we discipline ourselves to be grounded in God's Word. I've found over time, that my kids are better thinkers and actors when we are listening to worship music. I know your struggles are just as real as mine and it's hard to keep our thoughts pure, but with God all things are possible!

Experiencing Grit, Encountering Grace: A Family Christmas

   

Family United

     “Mom, are you gonna cry again,” Mikey asked in monotone before shuffling off to climb into their black diesel truck. As he climbed up into the back of the cab and closed his door, mom smirked at his words and repeated them to the rest of us within ear shot. We all look at her with a knowing smile and reply,

     “You sure will, let the bawling begin!”

      Another round of hugs were given as our step-dad talked a mile a minute about fishing trips in Yellowstone. All of us Shaw sisters (Minus our Army-solider-Korea-resident-sister, Sarah), were dressed in black and white tanks that mom bought us yesterday on our quick five hour shopping trip.Our husbands were busy comparing which Shaw girl looked better and throwing snow balls at the camper and truck as it left our driveway. It had become the best Christmas we had as a family. No hurt feelings, no yelling, no boundaries were crossed. 

The Dirt

     The dirt and grit that covered our family memories and reputation had given way to grace over the weekend. Everyone had laid their weapons down and bared their hearts for the sake of family and togetherness under the banner of family (minus one hair pulling scuffle between Becky and I; and if my sister posts the video to facebook, I just want to say I didn’t have anything to do with her disappearance).
     Throughout our family history of volatile relationships, we all longed for the deep connections and bonds a family was supposed to have. Because of our broken background and fighting for ourselves, we managed to push each other out of our hearts, thinking that being on our own is best.  After 12 years of seemingly drifting, everyone reunited on the grounds of Christmas time.

Chy, Me, Jenna, Becky.

     It reminded me of how God redeemed mankind with the birth of His Son, in one weekend, God redeemed our family from the brokenness we all felt. Granted, there are still some issues to work out, but what family doesn't have those? Anyway, God softened all our hearts and prepared them for forgiveness.

Grit and Grace

     Grit and grace go hand in hand. Chances are, if you’re reading this, you long to experience the grace that God is waiting to give you. He wants you to lay your past hurts and broken relationships on His alter. Leave them there, let Him pick it up and put the pieces back together—His way—in His time.
    Sometimes before we experience grace, we’ve been smudged with dirt that’s gotten under our shell. Family causes friction for the lack of relationships, disrespect, or the smart words that have been thrown your way. We can either allow the grit to spur us towards God and His way of restoration, or we can allow it to pierce our hearts, leaving a mark that was never intended for any soul to bear. 

     As lonely as holiday gatherings can be, allow God to be on your thoughts this Christmas season, and when your family comes to mind, pray that what is between you, can be broken. Hand it over to God and thank Him for the work He is doing in their hearts, He is moving through the grit, so one day, you can experience grace. 

Healing Takes T I M E

     I didn't make my goal this week. Instead of getting back into the world two days after my surgery (D and C), I was relieved and thankful that a friend scooped up my kids while I fell back asleep. Life seems to be moving on, where as I keep finding myself in bed sleeping.
    As frustrated as I am that I am not doing the things I want to be doing, I need to remind myself that my body went through a birth and trauma. The only difference is there is no little one to hold to make me forget the awful moments, and everyone else seems to think that I've had enough time grieving.
   I'm learning this process is different for everyone. Some are more connected to their belly-babes than others. Still others think because I miscarried, the pain should be gone almost instantly and that I ought to focus on the three babes I have now. I'm afraid if I move forward that everyone will forget about our baby, it will be as if he never were expected--though I know it's not true. We all have our ways of remembering and needing to move forward.
    It's a process, it's different for every mother. As women with the common thread of motherhood, we need to honor one another in the aspect of grieving for a miscarriage. It's essentially a miscarried life and with that life--dreams, plans, and a future awaited. Instead, it's gone, tucked away inside our minds with the dreams we had.
    Today I leave you with my favorite song. It has spoken more to my heart in this process than anything else could have. He is helping me remember that He is for me, that He is with me. In my darkest moments, He is faithful and there, even when I'm not ready to move forward...but it's time.



So Long Acceptance, I Don't Need You Anymore

     

      We all have insecurities, some are more apparent than others. My downfall until recently is wanting to be accepted by others. Growing up as a child, I saw how people reacted to my large family and sized us up as being very poor. I still remember the sting of bully's picking on my disabled brother and the fact we were 'fatherless'. As I grew into my teen years, I felt like an ugly duckling which was reinforced by comments and more bullying throughout high school. 

     Now that I am nearing 30 and am dearly in love with Christ, He is taking down my walls brick by brick. Although some days I must admit, I'm trying to wrestle those bricks out of His hands and back onto my wall. Wanting to be accepted by others is a deep seated desire of friendship, a sense of normal, and belonging. I can't help but ache when a sister in Christ gives me the cold shoulder or gossips about my past behind my back. Though I've handled these situations Biblically before, the result is the same, I have not gained what my heart wants most, acceptance. 
     It wasn't until this morning when I was emailing a close friend and confidant about the situation when God gently reminded me of five things:

1. When I accepted Jesus as my savior, I lost my citizenship status of this world. 
2. Not every person I meet in my life time is going to like me.
3. I am not to gain favor with man (or every woman for that matter) but strive to be like Jesus.
4. I am to seek God's face and no one else's. 
5. The only acceptance or approval I should EVER seek is Christ.

     If you have wounds like I do and long for acceptance, ask Jesus to heal your heart and pick up the book Bondage Breaker by Neil T. Anderson, and meditate on  Ephesians 3:16-21.  

"I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge-that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen."

    

   Never in a million years did I ever imagine that I would be sitting on stage in a church to tell my story (rather God's story) of redemption. Today my husband and I bared our souls, our mistakes, and shared our mess we created for the congregation of New Heights Assembly Church, of York Nebraska. Seven years ago, my life was an absolute mess, I didn't want to live, my marriage was in shambles, and my addictions ran my life. The words of Jeremiah 29:11 resonate deeply in my heart as I reflect on what God has restored. In Him I have so much hope. In Him, I live a life in spite of me. He forgives, redeems, and restores. Below is the link to the site if you would like to watch the message given today. My husband and I were honored to share our mess because it causes hearts to ignite and hope in our awesome, mighty God.  www.nhachurch.com. The key to letting God change your life is to seek Him with all your heart. Let Him be your heart's desire.

For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future. Jeremiah 29:11.

Freedom From Addiction

     They say hindsight is 20/20 as I reviewed the carnage of my addiction. It's left residue in every part of my life, socially, physically, and mentally. Unknowingly, it built walls around me and was my source of comfort, relaxation, and entertainment. As the months passed, my spirit began to get restless and God revealed how enslaved I was to this addiction. He asked me which master was I willing to serve.

  "Heather, I am a jealous God, I want all of you or nothing. Your divided attention isn't enough. Are you willing to give up what you could have in Me for something an idol that will destroy your life? Are you willing to give your time, money, effort for your addiction or do you want to pursue me as I have pursued you?" 


    Jesus had been nudging me about it for awhile and I was ashamed that I had picked up an old habit, an old addiction. It was triggered by being around old situations and family. I thought I could do it once or twice and have no consequences from it. I thought it wouldn't be a problem; but my body and addictive personality didn't see it that way, I was hooked. Soon I was planning my life around when I could have the next one and was paranoid all the time that my friends and family would find out. 
    I finally made up my mind to quit but the chains of my addiction were pulling me back into the pit I willingly crawled in. When I first committed my life to following Jesus, He gave me supernatural strength to be free of all my addictions...and all at once for that matter. This time around, quitting was like trying to climb Mt Everest in flip flops. The more I tried, the more my chains choked me. Everything became a battle, every effort was met with resistance that I couldn't stand against. I gave up and told God unless He did something about it, this addiction would win. I went to church that week and laid it down at the alter telling God, "I want to serve You more than anything else, and I'm so sorry I ever started this again in the first place. I can't do this alone. Either You fight the battle for me or it's going to win." The next morning, it felt like something shifted in my spirit. I felt lighter, with an extra bounce in my step and the little things that usually irritated me weren't a problem. It hit me several hours after waking up that I didn't want to feed my addiction. I didn't have the physical symptoms of withdrawal. 
      As I sailed through the rest of the week, I would be hit with mountainous cravings and I wanted to give in. When it happened, I could hear God telling me, "Remember I am all you need. I am enough for you."
I repeated that to myself every time my skin crawled, when I felt restless, and anxious, "I want God more", and the cravings eventually subsided. Without resting in God's arms, there is no way I would have won this battle.
     
     Are you trying to quit an old habit, an addiction? It could be something as serious as meth to the minor issues like smoking. In this day and age, the catagory of addictions is growing longer and can be classified into soft addiction or hard addiction. Things like Facebook, surfing the web, texting, watching t.v., video games, shopping are some of the 'softer' addictions. The more commplace addictions we are used to hearing about are bulimia, anoerixa, drugs, alcohol, porn, and gambling. How do you know if you have an addiction? Addiction is defined as, "Historically, addiction has been defined as physical and psychological dependence on psychoactive substances (for example alcohol,tobacco, heroin and other drugs) which cross the blood-brain barrier once ingested, temporarily altering the chemical milieu of the brain.
Addiction can also be viewed as a continued involvement with a substance or activity despite the negative consequences associated with it. Pleasure and enjoyment would have originally been sought, however over a period of time involvement with the substance or activity is needed to feel normal.^[1] Some psychology professionals and many laymen now mean 'addiction' to include abnormal psychological dependency on such things as gambling, food, sex, pornography, computers, internet, work, exercise, idolizing, watching TV or certain types of non-pornographic videos, spiritual obsession, cutting and shopping.(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Addiction).  
      If God is calling you out of it, I urge you to run to Him and cling to Him for all its worth. Being free is a treasure worth pursuing. You don't have to carry that weight of it, He will do it for you. I urge you to talk to someone about what your facing. Think about what freedom means for you, for your children. What do you want more, God or an addiction that has no regard for your life? God has plans for you, so much more than you know. 
 

Reflections From My Heart

                 Ever get the feeling that there is more to your life than the way it is right now? It's like standing on the edge of an abyss knowing that you're supposed to cross it, knowing you will, and you're waiting for the right time. Even though there is no bridge in sight, you'll take a step out into thin air. You know you'll walk across without your feet ever touching anything, you'll walk across on the invisible hand of God. 
       Presently, that's how I feel. There's something more that God has intended to do with my life. The prospect is exciting and yet it scares me. I know that I've been called to reach other broken and incomplete hearts for God, to tell them of the passion and love that He's poured into my heart. 
        My heart has been ignited and the fire is roaring to share with the lost the essence of who He really is.  He didn't save me from suicide attempts, rape, mental illness, depression, and cutting to just live life the way I want to. There's a reason for it all. Sadly, many of my friends/family don't go to church, and the ones that do are just going through the motions. Here I am struggling to break free of the status quo, scared because I feel ill equipped and yet I want I want to pour myself out for Him. 
         It's just not in the area of writing and speaking to teen and women alike, it's also ministering to the hearts of my precious babies. Each has gifts and personalities created for the purpose God has in store for them. It's my heart's desire that each of them will not only obey God but also have the same unrelenting passion for Him. So here's a few thoughts for you to chew on.
      When was the last time you thought about His love and it made you cry? 
      When was the last time you called on His name in the night?
      When was the last time you asked Him about what He wants you to do with the gifts He's given you?
       When was the last time you sat down and actually had a conversation with Him? 
        Take this moment and think about His love, His purpose for your life. 

Wasn't it Easier

Rough draft of Wasn't it Easier, about an experience I encountered awhile ago.

Guess I really did it this time,
Did some things I can't speak of,
Over time, let myself slip from what was mine.
And at night I live it all again.


Wouldn't be shattered on the floor now
If I had known then what I know now.
Guess I let everyone down,
seeing that unmistakable look of disappointment.


Wasn't it easier in my new found ways?
Wasn't it easier in my new creation days?
Wasn't it beautiful in my grace filled days?
When everyone looked at my brand new heart,
had a clean slate and a fresh start.
When everyone believed in me.


Life was so brand new, and nothing couldn't tame this flame.
It burned brighter than those who walked the way for years.


Guess I really did it this time
left myself in front of my warpath,
after the cold stares, gossip, hearing them laugh.
Lost my balance on this tight rope
lost all hope of trying to get it all back.




Picking up the pieces but I can't make 'em fit.
Praying these words, being washed clean, sitting at His feet.
When will they see that who I am is not where I've been?
Who I am is not what I did.
Everyone has secret struggles and fights
But mine played out in sight.


Wasn't it easier in my new found ways?

Wasn't it easier in my new creation days?
Wasn't it beautiful in my grace filled days?
When everyone looked at my brand new heart,
had a clean slate and a fresh start.
When everyone believed in me....and I did too.


Then He says "It's okay, hush now, you're gonna be alright.
Every day is brand new and I won't give up the fight.
Life is a tough road, and your heart is pure in my eyes.
It doesn't matter what they see.
You're forgiven in my sight."


"Time heals all wounds, your mistakes won't be remembered.
You'll have new Septembers
It's okay, you're ignited heart is still burning bright to Me.
Who you are is not where you've been, who you are is not what you did.
You're forgiven in my eyes.
Now let it all go, lives change like the weather.
Though you feel all alone in that pew, I'm with you.
I hope you remember that today is never too late to be made brand new.

Daddy's Girl

One of my deepest desires was to have a Dad. I had a Dad, but because of his issues and addictions, I haven't seen much of him since I was 12. He came to see me at graduation, then I visited him in Arizona when I was 22, and then I saw him again a few years ago for my sisters wedding. Each visit was less than an hour spent with him because of his drinking issues. However things are now different! There is much to be thankful for during the season of Thanksgiving. One of my prayers for many years has been that God would restore and redeem my family. Although there are a few strained relationships, God has answered the deepest desires of my heart. For the first time since I was 12, I get to spend time with my Dad. Not only do I get to spend time with him, I get to be Daddy's girl.


This prayer has been answered because my father surrendered to God and allowed Christ to be the center of his heart. Gone are the days of addictions and self centered. It's be replaced by a passionate fire for our Almighty God. My brother and I picked up my Dad from the airport last night. As nervous as I was, there was peace. Peace because I knew that my Dad had changed. Peace because I knew I wouldn't have to walk on eggshells. Peace because our time won't be ruined with the need of alcohol or other recreational drugs.

It may seem small or insignificant to those of you who have fathers or don't have a desire for the love of your family; for me it's one of the greatest gifts of all time that both my Father God and my Dad can give me. Finally at the age of 29, I get to begin a relationship with my Dad. Together we get to share moments with my children and my kids get to call him Grandpa... So let the season of thanksgiving begin! With these thoughts, I leave you with one of my favorite songs that encompasses prayer and lifts your mood!

Intentional Steps: How Mamma Got Grounded

              How many times have you just said to yourself or to your girlfriends in conversation, “Well that's just the way life goes...”   or "I just don't understand how I let that happen..." Or “I just learn to roll with the punches.” What about, “When I get my schedule organized...” “After I get that promotion...”  I don't know how many times I said those things to myself as my plate began piling higher and higher with pleasing people, meeting deadlines, turning in papers for school, working extra shifts for someone else, apologizing profusely for missing school concerts, or canceling dates with my husband before I realized I wasn't living life intentionally. I was merely drifting in the ocean of busy-ness. I hadn't realized how overwhelmed, overworked, and unbalanced my life had become until certain armed authorities decided to put me in a much needed Time Out. I landed in a mental health hospital for a reprieve from the snow ball effect my schedule had on my life. I remember staring out the door listening to the administrator tell me about my options. I could either sign myself in willingly for a 48 hour stay; or she would use the state statute of 'Emergency Precautionary Care' and have the nice police officers escort me back into the building in handcuffs if I so much as set one foot outside the entrance. My stay would then be a mandatory 72 hours.

“Describe exactly what you mean by one foot,” I heard myself say as she handed me over the paperwork, glaring at me over my sarcastic responses. After being escorted to my lovely room of speckled linoleum, a twin sized hospital bed and bare furnishings, I dropped onto the bed and tried to ignore the voices screaming in my head about how badly I had dropped the ball.


“How did you miss the warning signs? What were you thinking? What is everyone going to think? How is Chris going to handle this? What about Cheyenne, how are you going to explain to your baby girl that you got grounded in the loony bin? What is the purpose of all this? How did I drift out of control?” (As you can tell, my mind races constantly.)


      Women these days have so many choices. Between career, family, church, and the community, it's easy to get lost and pulled into a thousand directions. And that's what happened to me. I was too busy pleasing everyone with what was expected of a woman in this new millennium. I didn't hear that still small voice who loved me exactly as I was and had a clear cut purpose for me. Instead, I listened to voices that were telling me I ought to get a four year degree and climb the corporate ladder. I also was supposed to balance pouring every effort, moment, and experience into my daughter. Let's not forget that because I wanted a family that I also felt pressured to contribute to half the income. Then there was gaining ground in the community with volunteering time and skills I didn't have. And working in areas that were not my passion in my church because I wanted to be included, to feel as if I fit in. Before I knew it, one thing or another was being added to my daily list of to-do's that it was no surprise I fell flat on my face when I fell into a deep depression having lost myself in the daily madness of it all.
Overwhelmed, exhausted, worried, stressed, and utterly alone was how I felt at that moment and I came  realized I had felt this way for more than four years. It was time for God to get my attention and because I tend to learn lessons the hard way, He took drastic measures!


     My friend Tricia who is currently planning a women's retreat found just the right scripture for living life intentionally.  Ephesians 5:17 says “ Don't live carelessly, unthinkingly. Be sure you understand what the Master wants.” God didn't say that I needed to get a degree, nor did he tell me I needed to be on every committee in the tri-city area. He also didn't tell me that I needed to make every moment a big moment with my child. Instead, He simply asked me to follow Him. We humans feel the need to make situations and life more complex for it to be meaningful. Somehow in the madness of it all, I left myself unprotected and lost all the armor needed to ward off the enemy's attacks, hence the lovely two night stay in a mental health hospital. I spent those two days realizing that in order not to have another mid life crisis, I needed to begin living life intentionally.


Upon arriving home, I set to work on focusing on where I felt I was called to be. I then looked at my schedule and saw what areas were causing stress and made all the calls needed to cancel out those activities and commitments. Finally, I laid my life in His hands and asked for the wisdom and guidance needed to chose His will, and His plans over mine. It was time to become intentional in knowing what the Master wanted.  The next few months became sweeter with each passing moment after I chose to clarify each step in serving the Master. I woke up one day noticing that I was smiling and joyful. I had said goodbye to the working world, tossed out all time wasting activities, reduced my commitments and centered my schedule around my children and husband. I found that the more focused and intentional I became about each day, the less stress I had, and I discovered out new interesting aspects about myself.


As I transitioned into this new sense of self, I realized that the only thing that mattered was people. Relationships. Clean floors and laundry suddenly fell to the bottom of my list. I made sure I was taking care of three areas that helped  me keep my focus and my sanity for that matter. Did I spend time with God today? Did I spend time with my children and husband? Did I reach out to a friend or two to stay connected outside of my family?


Maybe you were like me and you are in need of a time out. While I do suggest getting away from the demands and stresses of daily life, I don't recommend a suite in the hospital ward. In this day and age, it's so easy to lose our sense of self and be carried out into the current of busy-ness. Living intentionally for God with His goals in mind is a life long process. It's a step I recommend if you're feeling like your list of to-do's and schedule is a mile long with no end in sight. I invite you to come as you are and partner up with the Master. He will indeed guide you through.

Changes of the Heart

"Maybe you're pregnant", Chris commented as he curled his head into his chest and prepared for my outburst and a slug in the arm. "I'm not pregnant, what makes you think I'm pregnant!" I was more than hostile by this point and then Chris proceeded to rattle off a list of symptoms he's noticed over the few weeks.
Truth be told, I was overwhelmed, overtired, and overloaded with wounded relationships on both sides of the family. It had been a battle that I had been fighting for years and it finally exploded, taking a heavy toll on my thoughts. It didn't help either that Tori, my six month old still refused a bottle or pacifier and was teething. Getting up several times a night for the last six months was really starting to take its toll on my well being. So much so, that apparently I was Godzilla.
I stalked off and analyzed what Chris had said, and started to wonder if my mental health was at risk. One of my close friends at church confirmed my sinking suspicions that I was dealing with postpartum depression and it was time to get it checked out. You have to keep in mind that I have been free of medications since the time that Elijah was an infant. I was too proud of the fact that God has healed me of my mental disorders and didn't need to rely on pills to be myself. Reluctantly, I made the call to my doctor and not only did she fill my prescription, she doubled the dose! I was more than insulted. Later that evening, Tori was inconsolable. Nothing I did soothed her. I broke down crying on my bed and prayed aloud to God and surrendered, " I cant do this anymore. It's in your hands!", and had myself crying session. I surrendered my worries about my mental health, the situation with my family, and the overload I felt with the kids. I felt so burdened and alone. My strength was gone.
Later that week with these thoughts still occupying my mind, I gritted my teeth attempting to pack our suitcases and keep Elijah out of trouble. We were headed to Fort Robinson for the weekend to visit the in-laws. I spent most of the first day alone in the cabin rotating out Elijah and Tori for naps which also helped me to avoid family members. Everyone else was off horse back riding, bike riding, and fishing. Tori finally fell asleep and I laid down to take a nap myself. Restless, I couldn't sleep so I turned to my mini bible that's an essential in my purse and thumbed through it. Words from the texts Philippians and Colossians began to jump out me. The verses were strung together in the form of a letter. "Whatever happens, conduct yourself in a matter worthy of the gospel (Phil 1:27). Do nothing out of self ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourself (Phil 2:3). For it is God who acts in you to will and act according to his good purpose. Do everything with out complaining or arguing (Phil 2:13-14). Forgetting what is behind and straining towards what is ahead (Phil 3:13). Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God and the peace of God which transcends all understanding will guard your heart and your mind (Phil 4:6-7). I can do everything in Christ who gives me strength (Phil 4:13). Let the peace of Christ rule in your heart (Colossians 3:15), And whatever you do whether in word or deed, do it all in the name of Jesus (Col 3:17)."
I was shocked that all these verses applied to me. They didn't apply to all the people that were making me miserable. I had been praying that God would change the situation or change the hearts of my offenders, or at least how I was treated. I realized God was concerned with my heart and my tantrums apparently. Maybe the medication for the postpartum wasn't such a bad idea after all.
Reading these verses over and over, I realized I cannot control my circumstances, nor anyone's actions or emotions towards me, but I can change myself. I can choose to let God change me. I can choose to not be anxious and remember that I'm not in control anyway, so why worry? With this resolution in mind, it was easier to walk out the cabin door and attempt to take part in weekend gathering.Feeling less irritable, I was sure my medication was finally kicking in. All the while, a new sense of peace rested on my shoulders. God had been there the entire time waiting for me to send out the white flag so He could move in and do what He intended in the first place. It's a lesson that I am going to continue to learn. I'm not in control! I never was. I never will be. I cannot control my circumstances but I can have a say in how I choose to react. I can't control how others treat me, but I can choose to love them with the same love and humility God has shown me. With that in mind, I know that God is there in the silence, waiting for me to come to Him for answers, peace, and a new perspective.

Going Crazy...Wanna Come?

If I get called "Crazy" one more time this week. I may literally go off the deep end. Keep in mind as I write this that I am smiling. I am smiling because I was crazy and because of this craziness, numerous people were praying for me. Five years ago today, I wandered into an old movie theater that was converted into a place of worship for young adults and college students. That night, a bolt of lightening hit my body and left a fire burning in my heart. This fire began burning out all the weeds that had taken root in my heart. It wasn't just a small fire, it turned into a prairie fire! Prayers of strangers and new friends is what fueled the blaze to continue to burn out the weeds, and create new rich soil in which God used to plant new life and new seeds to restore and heal the "Craziness" out of me.
I had two interesting and recent encounters with new and old friends who couldn't believe how much I have changed over the few years and how much they see God shining through me. It brought me to tears. I was sitting in April's chair at the Salon chatting about bra sizes, kids, and tattoos; when her sister Star came over to chat with us as well. She wanted to know how my kids were doing because Star used to take care of Cheyenne when she first started attending daycare. Cheyenne smiled her way into Star's heart, and in turn she began praying for that precious little girls' parents. God gave Star a word back then that "A little child shall lead them". 'Them' being, my husband and myself. April too began praying for God to heal the bitter wounds of my heart after I starting regularly attending The Gathering Place in that old theater. What is even crazier about all of this is how God began healing their hearts as they began praying for me. They saw a little of themselves in this not-so-happy, embittered-in-need-of-a-new-heart- creature!
What is so wonderful about all of this is that we all have gotten to see how God used their prayers to intercede and deliver me from more than my fair share of troubles. We also get to see his faithfulness in walking with me and watch Him continue the work He so faithfully started. My deliverance came along with their thanksgiving and has enriched their faith that God does and can move mountains or return the insane to sane! This allows others to put their trust in God so He can restore their hearts as well. God is so GOOD!
"I couldn't believe it when I saw you on facebook and saw that you were a Jesus Freak, I was like, NO WAY....You used to be so CRAZY", my friend exclaimed from across the table at Old Chicago as my husband and I sat across from Chelsea and her husband. We got a rare opportunity to sneak away from the kids and visit with her for the first time in three years. As tired as I was, she was amazed at the overhaul God invested into my life and changed me from the crazy hallow shell she used to work with daily for two years. It's these moments that confirm that whether or not I see God's hand, I am changing on a daily basis and growing closer to the savior that saved my life. I can now rest, and stand strong on His promises...and not feel so crazy!

This is my heart's cry, this text has been written on my heart and applies so well to my post today! "Come and listen, all you who fear God; I cried out to Him with my mouth; his praise was on my tongue. If I had cherished sin in my heart, the Lord would not have listened; But God has surely listened and heard my prayer. Praise be to God who has not rejected my prayer or withheld his love from me!" Psalms 66:16-20.