What Voice Do You Listen To?

      What is that in your hand? I asked my oldest as she trudged her way through the kitchen. Instead of showing me, she fisted her hand and put it behind her back. After reaching around her and prying it out of her hands, I read the crumpled note. Dated September 18, 2009, “Chy I love you so very much, you are amazing and God has given you so much talent.”

     It was a note I had written and stuck in her lunch box over three years ago. Chy began crying softly as I hugged her. She had just been disciplined for disobeying her dad, on top of having a school meeting with her teacher about making more effort in the classroom. The voice that was screaming in her head about how she wasn’t good enough was choking the life out of her. Despite her struggles, we as parents agreed that she needed to be treated just like everyone else, regardless of her disabilities. Yet to our precious daughter, she felt she lacked what she needed to succeed.

     Frustrated, I hugged her and sent her off to a hot shower, replaying our conversations. As her cheerleader, I’ve made every effort to encourage and reinforce she is a beautiful, talented, gifted, compassionate child. Actions speak louder than words and so do the voices in our heads. How many times have you failed at something and told yourself, “That was awesome, let’s do it again!”? I’m going to venture to guess, the conversations you have in your head tend to be more like, “Well that was sure fun, sure ain’t gonna do that again, I don’t need the world knowing that I’m a failure, I can’t get anything right!

     I am afraid to believe in myself. Everything I have ever put my heart into has backfired or failed. I’ve either created a big mess that I couldn’t clean up on my own, or I’ve gotten arrested, slapped with a fine or lost relationships over it. The voice that has set the tone for my life has been, “Don’t bother trying, you’re going to fall right on your butt, and everyone who already knows the truth, will be there to say, I told you so.”

     So when I got the letter stating, “Heather, I’ve had the opportunity to read your  manuscript(older version) and I just love it! I remember meeting you and your passion for the subject of motherhood, as a mother myself and with my background as head editor of Today’s Christian Woman magazine for 7 years, I LOVE THIS TOPIC. I also love your writing style—natural, yet pithy and very insightful and helpful. We definitely want to publish your book.”

I was completely floored. This had been the dream I had been working towards for the last two years of writing my book, Mama Needs A Time-Out.  This moment reinforced that my perspective was wrong and so was my daughter’s.  Some of us have the natural tendency to think we aren't good enough, life comes along with it’s bumps and challenges, further reinforcing the warped view we see of ourselves.

     This warped view is in the back of our minds, painting every conversation, every interaction, every struggle, and our success. It’s time to replace this warped view with how we are created. We. Do. Not. Lack. Anything.  We may be born with a predisposition of struggling with certain weaknesses, but that’s the beauty of knowing God. He works through our weaknesses, that’s when His power, His abilities, and His strength are unleashed in our lives…if we allow Him. My daughter’s principle gave me a great word picture, if you’re given a dull ax, you’re going to have to swing harder.

      No matter your inabilities, insecurities, trip ups, hang ups, mess ups. We have one choice, we can agree with the voices in our head or we can ask God for the strength to swing harder. We can either view ourselves as lacking or we can ask God for the courage and the insight to see ourselves as He sees us.

     There is power in positive thinking, but that positive thinking works better in the form of seeing ourselves with our spiritual eyes. What are your hang ups? What are your inabilities? Are you willing to step beyond yourself and ask God to give you the strength, courage and ability to swing that ax harder or rely on yourself?

Experiencing Grit, Encountering Grace: A Family Christmas

   

Family United

     “Mom, are you gonna cry again,” Mikey asked in monotone before shuffling off to climb into their black diesel truck. As he climbed up into the back of the cab and closed his door, mom smirked at his words and repeated them to the rest of us within ear shot. We all look at her with a knowing smile and reply,

     “You sure will, let the bawling begin!”

      Another round of hugs were given as our step-dad talked a mile a minute about fishing trips in Yellowstone. All of us Shaw sisters (Minus our Army-solider-Korea-resident-sister, Sarah), were dressed in black and white tanks that mom bought us yesterday on our quick five hour shopping trip.Our husbands were busy comparing which Shaw girl looked better and throwing snow balls at the camper and truck as it left our driveway. It had become the best Christmas we had as a family. No hurt feelings, no yelling, no boundaries were crossed. 

The Dirt

     The dirt and grit that covered our family memories and reputation had given way to grace over the weekend. Everyone had laid their weapons down and bared their hearts for the sake of family and togetherness under the banner of family (minus one hair pulling scuffle between Becky and I; and if my sister posts the video to facebook, I just want to say I didn’t have anything to do with her disappearance).
     Throughout our family history of volatile relationships, we all longed for the deep connections and bonds a family was supposed to have. Because of our broken background and fighting for ourselves, we managed to push each other out of our hearts, thinking that being on our own is best.  After 12 years of seemingly drifting, everyone reunited on the grounds of Christmas time.

Chy, Me, Jenna, Becky.

     It reminded me of how God redeemed mankind with the birth of His Son, in one weekend, God redeemed our family from the brokenness we all felt. Granted, there are still some issues to work out, but what family doesn't have those? Anyway, God softened all our hearts and prepared them for forgiveness.

Grit and Grace

     Grit and grace go hand in hand. Chances are, if you’re reading this, you long to experience the grace that God is waiting to give you. He wants you to lay your past hurts and broken relationships on His alter. Leave them there, let Him pick it up and put the pieces back together—His way—in His time.
    Sometimes before we experience grace, we’ve been smudged with dirt that’s gotten under our shell. Family causes friction for the lack of relationships, disrespect, or the smart words that have been thrown your way. We can either allow the grit to spur us towards God and His way of restoration, or we can allow it to pierce our hearts, leaving a mark that was never intended for any soul to bear. 

     As lonely as holiday gatherings can be, allow God to be on your thoughts this Christmas season, and when your family comes to mind, pray that what is between you, can be broken. Hand it over to God and thank Him for the work He is doing in their hearts, He is moving through the grit, so one day, you can experience grace. 

A Dancing Lesson

    

(I posted this in August, but with all the emails I've been getting, it's time for a refresher course on dancing!).
When we first learn to dance, someone takes us by the hands and directs our steps. How we loved to be the center of attention as we twirled and captivated our partners. From the time we are little girls learning to dance on daddy's shoes, to being all grown up, someone has held our hands as we danced.
     So how is it in the dance of life that I learned to be so independent? How is it that I decided to dance on my own? Between accepting my daughter's autism, and nearly losing this new pregnancy, I decided that it was much easier to dance by myself than to dance with God.
     Have you been there? Life has overwhelmed you with a new reality while you are still tending to healing scars? Have you decided to take on more than you can balance or maybe your partner is taking a breather; leaving you to continue dancing by yourself?
    My mentor mom Roxie called me the other day and though she was just calling to check on items for MOPS, the words she spoke sounded the end of this dance of independence. I could hear God whispering, "Heather, no worries, just follow My lead. I'm going to teach you exactly what to do. No one else can dance this dance quite like you--if you hold My hand."
     All too often life catches up to me and I am afraid to reach out to others whom God has placed in my life for friendship and support; and the friends who I do reach out to, I keep at a safe distance in the thought that I can do this by myself. Last night as I heard God speak these words to me, I realized how much more beautiful dancing can be if I have a partner and I let Him lead.
    

Joy Stolen--Take it Back.

     As moms, we face trials and tribulations sometimes on a daily basis that could drive us over the edge--can I get an amen? I faced several trials this summer with learning to accept that my oldest is Autistic. Granted, she is 12 and she is still the same little girl who has my heart, but knowing God created her this way was and still is very difficult to accept.
     Combine this new diagnosis with becoming a chauffeur to appointments nearly every afternoon of the week; not to mention struggles with homework, and raising two other kids, I had lost my joy in being a mother. While I struggled with accepting our new lifestyle and routine, I found out I was pregnant, only to have the joy of anticipation stolen through miscarriage.
     All of this left me breathless and joyless. Have you felt this way? Has a situation or circumstance left you spinning? You wonder what God is up to while feeling a bit perturbed that He allowed it. Yet, we forget one very important thing...the enemy. The enemy prowls the earth looking to steal our joy, if he succeeds, he can take you down with him. The scriptures say he has prowls outside our doorsteps looking to kill, steal, and destroy.
    As creepy as the thought is that there is something lurking outside our doors while we snuggle with our little ones, we need to remember what Romans 8:35, 37-39 says, "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall tribulation, or distress, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or danger, or sword? No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us. For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." Because we cannot be separated from the Lord, He is walking the every day trials with us. When we feel as if we have been side-swiped through something like a miscarriage, we need to remember He is still there, carrying us, shielding us from the darts of the enemy.
   I had lost my joy because I allowed the feelings of defeat to be bigger than God. I forgot that we are more than conquerors in Christ. There will be trials, heartaches and headaches, that much is a guarantee. Yet if we continue to keep our focus on Jesus and how much He loves us, we will still have our joy because it rests alone in Him.

A Life Interrupted: Part II

   

      Last week I posted about how God uses life interruptions to get our attention, to lead us in the direction He wants for us-- for His purpose. Sometimes, He wants to ensure our attention is directly on Him. 

    My life has taken a totally unexpected direction because of two pink lines--well more like eight pink lines. Yes, I'm talking about taking four pregnancy tests, all of which turned up positive. I noted that I was late again as usual, and my chest was sore. Chris then joked I ought to take a pregnancy test, so I did--just to prove as usual, I was not pregnant. Before I was finished washing my hands, the digital test chirped it's results...PREGNANT.  My heart stopped-- wait a minute, this must be an error. In shock, I tossed the test to Chris, we looked at one another before erupting into hysterical laughter while getting dressed to go buy more tests.

    Chris and I had always wanted four children. Friends and family that know Chris and I knew how difficult it was to get pregnant, Cheyenne and Elijah were space unintentionally eight years apart. I was told at the age of 15 that because of several reproductive issues, I would never conceive on my own. So after becoming pregnant with Cheyenne at 17 and then becoming a mother again eight years later, we were thrilled.

     After being deliriously happy with Cheyenne and Elijah, we decided we wanted one more child. I went through several embarrassing tests, only to have the specialist say, "Your environment is too hostile for Chris' swimmers." In other words, my body was sending out the command to kill anything foreign that entered my body, that included Chris' swimmers. Add the command to kill to other issues like PCOS and a limited number of eggs, and you get the picture... We went through several rounds of fertility treatments before becoming pregnant with Tori. 

     Fast forward nearly three years later, and after much prayer, we knew that another baby was not an option or in God's plan at the moment....or so we thought. We began getting out of baby mode while I looked forward to focusing on freedom, my MOPS ministry, being there for Cheyenne's appointments and school work. The idea of another baby was a sweet thought but nothing too serious, especially after caring for a high maintenance baby as another way to earn income. My daycare babe definitely turned me off to the idea of motherhood.

     As moms we wade the waters of what the norm is for our culture. Most christian mothers love the idea of having a big brood, but are concerned with the reactions she will get if she chooses to have more children than the national average--which is currently two kids. Still the other worries are expenses, and whether or not it's irresponsible to pose the question of another child.

    Because our plans at three were happily interrupted with the news of our fourth child, we announced our news. Most friends and family were excited, but the reactions were mixed with several comments of, 

• "Wow I bet that was an accident."
• "Don't pull your hair out, you're going to have a busy house."
• "What were you thinking, this is so irresponsible."
• "You cannot afford another child."
• "Weren't you thinking about how this was going to affect your bills and your other kids."
• "Don't you know how to prevent pregnancy?"

     When God decides to interrupt your life with something like this, there is of course the shock and then the excitement. God provides little interruptions to our plans to get us back on the track He intended and to provide a blessing, He has something greater in store. Children are always a blessing, each child is a gift even though there is hard work, financial expenses, and many sleepless nights. If we choose to focus on what our culture is saying about how we as parents are irresponsible, the truth is they do not trust God, and they actually see Him as irresponsible. They do not trust God or His plans.
   It means that we as parents have become integrated into this culture and the norm of it all. It means the persons who have made these comments do not trust God fully, nor do they keep their focus on what God wants for them; they are awash in the tide of this culture. 
     Life's interruptions always have a purpose and are part of His plan for each of us--with that said, I don't think going out and having hundreds of children are a good idea. Each couple has a different purpose and circumstance in which God works through. In the meantime we have to trust what He is doing, be thankful for His plans, and reveal in the joy of another life!